The oxymoron of "sin management"

When I read the third chapter in The Cure this morning it struck a deep chord in my heart.

Picture from mongrelhorde.blogspot.com

The main theme of the chapter is that sometimes we don't really see God for who He is because we're looking at Him through our shame instead of through the truth of His grace and love.  When we're looking at God through our shame we live in a world of good intentions, a world where we work hard and, in a sense, try to engage in sin management.  When we see God for who He is, we accept His love and grace, live in that love and grace and trust Him to mature us into the new creation He has made in us.

Gotta tell you; I can barely explain the love and grace way.  I've got the shame way down pat.

I know about disciplines, and working hard to focus, trying so hard to please and "get it right".  I know the despair that comes from feeling like I never measure up.  If I totally pull my covers; the truth is that I feel rather numb when it comes to knowing in my deepest being that I'm a new creation and that He will complete His work in me (Philippians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 5:15-18 ), that He will cause me to mature in His time.  I will say that for my current job - it is totally getting me in touch with my feelings of inadequacy!

As I'm writing this I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures from Matthew 5:3; I adore the way Peterson paraphrases it in The Message:

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

These current trying situations at work leave me just wishing God would help me get another job. I don't see any other way out. But He's not opening any doors and, as much as I hate to admit it, even though I want to leave my current job, I don't feel a release in my heart. Gotta admit to feeling a bit lost and a lot tired.

I'm not finished thinking on these concepts of seeing God through my shame vrs through His grace and love and work in me.