Then this morning during my time with God I come across these verses in Psalm 34:18-22(MSG):
18 If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.
19 Disciples so often get into trouble;
still, God is there every time.
20 He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken.
21 The wicked commit slow suicide;
they waste their lives hating the good.
22 God pays for each slave's freedom;
no one who runs to him loses out.
I need to think on these verses today because it's been an over the top bad week.
At work the customer for my department (a commander with ICE Health Services Corp) who is an RN has been giving me grief for months. I've tried everything to appease her, anything that she says she wants or that we should be doing, I go and do. I've been working 10-13 hour days, 6 days a week and being on the phone with work a lot of times when I'm not at work. My heart has longed to make everything so perfect.
One of the issues has been that she's an RN who thinks only RNs or mid levels or physicians can really understand and ensure correct services, and I'm an administrator not a provider. The company knew exactly who they were hiring when they got me and they know that my team and I have pulled off an incredible feat pulling this all together without any support from the company. But I've basically compensated by just working really hard and doing whatever it takes.
To make things even more difficult, the company has in response to all this been sending in auditor after auditor from within the company every week. Most of these are new to the company people who want to make a name for themselves so they've shared their vast knowledge by picking various and sometimes contradicting, things on which to focus. Areas that in some job they came from they once found was a real issue; it's as if they want to show how they have some very valuable knowledge that no one else has ever heard about to show what an asset they are. Most weeks for the past two months I've had to deal with auditors and then stay even later to get my actual work done as well as any follow up necessary from their findings.
So when this commander came to audit on Monday I believed it would finally go well because we've got all our systems in place, our services are great, and our charting looks immaculate. But it didn't exactly go well. She couldn't find any real problems so she brought up things that no one expects, things that are silliness and not community standard. During her exit the warden assured her that we'd get on everything that she brought up but asked for an affirmation from her that she knows we're good to go on our expansion plans that are set to go into effect August 1 since, at best, all her concerns are very minor (only he said this in the most polite of ways), but she hedged and acted uncomfortable.
Then on Tuesday the warden called me into his office where I came upon my boss on both the medical side and the warden, plus the VP of medical services for the company, and the regional director of operations. Just men in suits and me. Bottom line is that they've brought in an RN to take my job and demoted me to her assistant. I'll only get 6% of the 12% increase in pay that I was supposed to get. This person won't be here until August 13 so I'll still end up doing all of the hard work associated with an opening. Because of some contract problems with the customer, the company would not give the go ahead to hire the staff we've got waiting in the wings, so I'll be short staffed. Over the past few weeks I've written a few emails to both my bosses and the regional HR manager about the staffing situation because I can't ensure patient safety without enough medical staff coverage but I've been blown off. They are finally responding and by August 13 those new hires will be in place. I've put together a training program for all of these new hires so that everyone will be ready to go. Then this new person will walk in and reap all the rewards.
But it seems that the company is counting on the fact that once an RN is in place this RN commander will be satisfied. Everyone is happy. Every one except for me; I feel used and betrayed. This RN is moving from Colorado to take the job and they had to offer her 25% more than I'm currently making; this didn't just happen this has been in the works for months to make happen. To make things worse I've got way more breadth and depth than her but she does have a correctional background and this is my first time in corrections - it really is a different world in some ways. Basically both my bosses have admitted that I've been done wrong but this is just how it is.
So, with all this going on, I come to these verses. So what do these verses say to me?
I am not alone.
God is here with me.
He is my shield. Even if it looks like I'm getting the raw end of things, I can still count on Him. I can trust Him.
I'm not a very spiritual person. I mess up lots of times. I'm not even always sure when God is talking to me. My experience has been that God's voice is a thought in my head like all the other thoughts. Only sometimes I am certain that one came from God and at other times I'm not so sure. A couple of months ago when I was crying out to God about all this crud at work and how no other work doors were opening (I've been taking some time once a week to look and apply for other jobs during most weeks) I thought I might have heard God say: But will you trust Me here in this job? I thought I heard those words again when I was driving home on Tuesday night. So my un-spiritual response was - what else am I gonna do Lord?! You're God and I'm not and I can't change anything-it's all in your hands, Please help me have a good attitude and do what it right regardless of what is going on around me.
So here I am today trying to focus on these truths - I am not alone, God is here with me, He is my shield and I can count on Him, I can trust Him. These are the things that I need to keep deep in my heart and let my actions stem from.