In John 10:10 Jesus promises His followers abundant life. This blog is about my life as His follower.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Stressed and exhausted

This is a vent post. One of those it's better to write it out then sit here with heartburn from all the thoughts and feelings.

I'm letting my job really get to me and I don't know how, can't seem to, stop it.  I wake up just about every night with thoughts of stuff that needs to get done at work or things that could go wrong and I'm awake thinking about a new plan to fix a problem. John says he can tell that I'm having nightmares a lot too because he hears me cry out in my sleep.   I have this fantasy of just going to bed and sleeping until I want to get up; maybe like for 2 days straight.

It feels like every day that I go in to work it's just one problem after another after another coming my way.  Sometimes I choose the wrong problem to work on fixing and then some problem that I didn't fix blows up in my face.  This happens about twice a week.  Each time the customer, ICE, is mad at me.  Then my boss the warden is mad at me.  Hopefully this new woman who they are bringing in to be over me will help.  There's been more on my plate then any one person can do and I'm tired.

If I'm honest I feel resentful because she'll come in not exhausted (I've been at this for a year now; a year of loss of sleep and working an enormous number of hours).  She's also coming in and making 25% more money.  But the truth is that God is in control of my life and I need to practice contentment.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.  I feel like if I were a better Christian, better able to trust God, that I would be like Paul when he was in prison and just be praising God through all this hard stuff.  Instead I'm frustrated and exhausted, and here complaining.  My only consolation is that it's better to write and complain, so that I can hopefully be more positive around others.

I keep applying for other jobs but the economy is bad here and the job market is depressed.  For every job there are many, many, applicants.  So I stay where I'm at and try to do the best I can, yet I can see that I burned out.  I go to the Kaiser doctor on Tuesday and am hoping he'll write me an off work order for a few days; I've got lots of unused PTO time on the books.  Maybe if a doctor writes me off I'll really get the time off.  When I tried to take vacation days in June I still had to handle things while on vacation and they made me end it a day early and come back in on a Friday and then work the entire weekend. I made them credit back those 2 weekend days to me since I didn't really get a vacation.  I think the business manager did me a solid and just credited it all back to me because he knows I didn't totally get off.  But I did have some fun times with John.

Poor John.  I'm such a dud lately.  Wish I had a turn off switch and could just turn work off.   It would be easier to do if I wasn't on the phone so much with work when I'm not at work.  There are constant calls and crisis and situations.  I think it would help if I could get away from it all for a few days, totally away, and get a bunch of sleep and then start to enjoy other things in life again and become physically refreshed.  I feel like I need about 4 days just to sleep and detox and then about another 4 to start to have a life again and to think about all the other things that have nothing to do with work (it's like I've started not knowing what to do with myself outside of work since I'm just so exhausted).  Then a couple more days for a time of seeking God and spiritual renewal.  Then I could go back to work with a new perspective.  So, I'm praying that the Kaiser doctor will write me off work for 10 days.


RCUBEs said...

I like your "vent post". Because I did that a lot after being given a hard time from my workplace regarding my disability. Except to Him. I'm glad you did. Because I believe that helps relieve some of those pressures weighing heavily in your heart. But I pray for the Lord to guide you in this aspect and show a way to discern the best step to take. When my work placed me on a forced leave thinking that it would make me suffer and quit, hardly they knew that the Lord used that and granted me an "away from stress" period instead. I hope you are able to get some time off sister Tracy. Maybe that's all you need. A time to rest and be with Him and then be refreshed. But I also feel it's not your lack of ability but rather your hard work and being thorough that unfortunately, others do not understand and see that way. For short, they don't appreciate what you do. I would ask you to not give up and focus instead of Who truly knows what you do at your workplace. You are there for a reason whether people around you appreciate you or not. So, please be strong in the Lord's mighty power (Ephesians 6:10). God bless sister Tracy and may you have that much-needed break!

Tracy said...

Rcubes-Can't express how much your words here mean to me. Thanks my sister in Christ. What an encourager you are; it's as if you know that I keep blaming myself. I also believe that you are reminding me of a truth on which I need to focus - there is a spiritual battle going on here.

John Cowart said...

Hi Tracy,

You sound tired out.

Seems to me that somewhere in Mark's gospel there's the phrase, "Jesus came apart with His disciples". That always struck me as funny... Especially at times I feel ready to "come apart".

Hang in there. Or quit. He is with you either way.

John Cowart

Tracy said...

Oh John, one of the things I like most about you is your lack of pretense. I'm grateful for the truth that God loves me no matter what.

ruzzel01 said...

That's one thing a like about you. Such a strong personality you have.

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