The key of trusting God

Photo from http://www.24-7worship.org

I've been struggling a lot at my current job.  Feel like I've been treated poorly, and then had a person brought in who is directly above me.  In all fairness this person has very different strengths and weakness than mine and between the two of us we have a lot of powerful strengths.  If I'm really honest I'm jealous; I don't feel like this person is more valuable or better but she's making 25% more money and is now my boss.  But, it's like my husband John said to me; I'm only meant to follow God's path for me, not to worry about her path or what's happening with her.     I've prayed about getting another job but so far nothing has panned out.  Not to mention that twice now during the past 6 months I've heard a voice that I think might be the Holy Spirit saying but will you trust me in this job?

So in this current set of circumstances I read the following verse this morning that spoke to my heart:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13 (NIV)

I want joy, peace, and hope.  I know from experience that it's not something I can manufacture.  I remembered anew as I read these lines that only the Holy Spirit can produce joy, peace and hope in my life.  Saw anew that the key is trust in God.

There's a line in The Cure that I read not long ago: "Where you are right now is the perfect place for you, or the God of all goodness and power would not allow you to be there".

So I'm here.  I'm seeking by His power in me to trust Him.  I'm trying to every day have an attitude that is open to how God would want me to reach out to the people with whom I work and the patients who it's our job to care for.   Because of this change in my perspective I'm finding little things each day to bring me satisfaction and joy:  When two officers commented on how happy I always seen at work and I could tell them that God is good, when a patient thanks me for caring and helping him, when this new boss looks at me in an odd way and comments on how she just doesn't understand why I'm so nice.

Bill Thrall makes the statement that the process of destiny is humility, submission, obedience, and suffering.  So obviously my current situation puts me in a great place to be part of that process. 

Being a grace giver

There's a book I've been reading, The Cure, that has been quite a journey for me.This is the line of the authors' that captivated me today:

"What if it's less important that anything ever gets fixed than that nothing has to be hidden?"

This concept reminds me of one of my favorite Bible verses from Proverbs 28:13 (NASV) that says:

He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

Yet sometimes people find that the local gathering of Believers, the church, is the hardest place to be real.  Sometimes in our communities of faith there exists an unspoken message that everyone has this list of stuff wrong that they need to get their act together regarding.

I'm grateful beyond words for those very few people in my life who are not that way.  My husband John, and those few friends that I can count on one hand, with whom I can be totally honest.  Because these people in my life understand that Christ did not die on the cross so that we could get into heaven by the skin of our teeth, but while still here on earth we need to work really hard to get it right.  These people show me by their friendship toward me that they know that Christ's work is already completed, and that our life here on earth is about loving each other as we mature into that completed work He has already accomplished in us.  And along the way we, as John would say, give each other a lot of grace.

Forgiveness is only easy in Theory

First off, I'm grateful.

Taken from comefillyourcup.com

When I saw my doctor yesterday she wrote me off for 10 days.  I think my new boss and employer may be upset, but since I've got a physician's off work order, there is nothing they can do.  Since I've never used any of my sick time in the 13 months I've been on this job, I've got more than sufficient days to take these 10 days off with pay.  And I need them!

After a brief time in the Word I took a hike with John this morning, made us a wonderful brunch, and then settled in to to read the next chapter in The Cure . Can't express enough how incredible it is to not be exprierencing constant calls from work and to be able to engage in my life.

 Not surprisingly, God must have had this chapter just waiting for me today.  There's a lot in this chapter about forgiveness and, much to my surprise, the Holy Spirit convicted me about my need to repent and to forgive my employer.  Wow-here I've been feeling like the victim and then I'm hit with the fact that I need to do some repenting!  Although I may have been victimized, for my own health (not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to be a person who reflects God's love in my workplace) I need to both forgive my work and repent of the sins I've committed in the midst of all this.

Isn't that annoying?!  I don't know about you, but I'm much more comfortable with self righteous indignation than with humility.

One of the truths the authors brought to my attention is that my struggle with forgiveness is related to my trust in God.  If I believe that He is control of everything, and that anything that occurs in my life is because He has allowed it, then I will trust that these tough situations are going to be used for my good and that God will see me through them.  (Obviously one of my sins has been my failure to trust God, my self will.)

I'm grateful for this book because the authors reminded me that the repentance is not something I can work up on my own. 2 Timothy 2:25 makes it clear that God gives us the gift of repentance.  So it was no big dramatic thing; I just asked God to give me the gift of repentance and spent some time letting the Holy Spirit bring to my mind my sins.  I asked God to forgive me, thanked Him, and then asked Him to empower me to not fall into these any more.

Interestingly enough, repentance of wrong doing on my part in all of this, makes it easier to forgive my employer.

Have you ever had a situation where you had difficulty forgiving?  What did God teach you through it?

The oxymoron of "sin management"

When I read the third chapter in The Cure this morning it struck a deep chord in my heart.

Picture from mongrelhorde.blogspot.com

The main theme of the chapter is that sometimes we don't really see God for who He is because we're looking at Him through our shame instead of through the truth of His grace and love.  When we're looking at God through our shame we live in a world of good intentions, a world where we work hard and, in a sense, try to engage in sin management.  When we see God for who He is, we accept His love and grace, live in that love and grace and trust Him to mature us into the new creation He has made in us.

Gotta tell you; I can barely explain the love and grace way.  I've got the shame way down pat.

I know about disciplines, and working hard to focus, trying so hard to please and "get it right".  I know the despair that comes from feeling like I never measure up.  If I totally pull my covers; the truth is that I feel rather numb when it comes to knowing in my deepest being that I'm a new creation and that He will complete His work in me (Philippians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 5:15-18 ), that He will cause me to mature in His time.  I will say that for my current job - it is totally getting me in touch with my feelings of inadequacy!

As I'm writing this I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures from Matthew 5:3; I adore the way Peterson paraphrases it in The Message:

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

These current trying situations at work leave me just wishing God would help me get another job. I don't see any other way out. But He's not opening any doors and, as much as I hate to admit it, even though I want to leave my current job, I don't feel a release in my heart. Gotta admit to feeling a bit lost and a lot tired.

I'm not finished thinking on these concepts of seeing God through my shame vrs through His grace and love and work in me.

Isn't that just like God?!

Perhaps a week ago I was writing about my inner struggle and pain regarding the issue of if God was pleased with me.

Then God, in His grace and goodness, brought some new thoughts on this topic into my life.

It seemed like an accident.  One day I was just reading facebook and saw where Jefferson Bethke had posted how much he enjoyed the book The Cure.  On impulse I got the book and started reading it as well as going through the companion website.

The authors of this book and website are causing me to reflect on some of the things I believe about myself and God; to ask more questions.

In their first chapter they put forth the question of if you want to please God or trust Him.  They propose that life is to be about trusting God.  Although I've always believed in trusting God, I've also obviously seen pleasing Him as important.  But as my brother in Christ Mike from Christian Cognition commented the other day, there's no way I can ever please God and I need to get that settled in my mind once and for all. It's only by trusting in His love and acceptance of me, that I can experience what he has for me - not by doing all the right things.  Perhaps that's why I read in Hebrews 11 that without faith it's impossible to please God. Isn't faith another word for trust? Like I said yesterday, Ephesians 2:8-9, tells me that He'll give me the faith to believe in Him. So right now I'm trying to look more at trusting God and put my focus there instead of on pleasing Him.

Trusting God isn't easy for me; especially when things don't appear to be going well.  Truth be told I guess I'm selfish; I want things my way.  But life doesn't work that way and I've got to mature in my faith to where I trust God no matter what.

Do you find trusting God easy or difficult?  Why?

Executive secretaries and the voice of God

Something interesting happened at work today.

To put the event into context: I've been struggling at work since since that Terrible Tuesday meeting. I've struggled to get myself in to work in the morning and I've struggled with my attitude and emotions. But I've always become caught up in the tasks that comprise my day and given myself over to the completion of the seemingly unending tasks set before me to run the current program, work on audit corrections, see to it that our processes become entrenched, ensure that the new staff are trained, and pull together all the pieces that make up the opening of the new program next door.

 At the end of 11 hour days I find myself exhausted and nodding off to sleep by around 9PM in the evening. Only to wake up around 2AM with thoughts swirling around in my head. I've tried to put into practice Philippians 4:6-7 and not worry about all that there is to be unhappy about my unfair treatment at work; to trust and praise God instead. But in the very early hours of this morning I just couldn't seem to do it. I'd started reading The Cure this week and have decided to read and think on a chapter each week. Although I can't say that I've found the book well written so far, I was deeply moved by the theme of choosing to trust God that dominated the first chapter. In those angst filled pre-dawn morning hours today I talked with God about how I want to trust Him but just can't seem to do it. It seemed as if the Holy Spirit brought Ephesians 2:8-9 to my mind; that it is God who, by His grace, gives us the gift of the ability to have faith, or trust, in Him.

So it is in this context that I drug myself in to work this morning. All the while wanting desperately to stay home.

Then God spoke to me.

And He did it through the warden's executive secretary.

I don't even know that she's a follower of God. She's a delightful person and she and I have always gotten along well but she's never indicated any faith to me so far in the almost year that we've worked together. But today she came to my office for some documents and she came in. She'd just found out about my demotion and began to speak to me. I expressed how much this has hurt me and voiced feelings of failure even though on another level I don't' feel like I've done anything wrong. She told me to look at her; then she said that I have done nothing wrong. She said that because that detainee died 3 weeks after we sent him to the acute hospital, everyone was looking for someone on whom to blame the death.  She said that, unfortunately, that someone ended up being myself and the former warden. She told me that I'm a lot like the former warden in that we both give everything we've got, put our entire hearts into our jobs, which is why my heart is now broken. But she told me that she wants me to know that she knows I've done right and respects me tremendously and wants to make sure that I know that several people in "high positions" respect me as well. Then she went off into how this is bad company to work for because they treat their people wrong. After she left my spirit felt encouraged. The despair with which I'd been struggling was lifted. It was as if God spoke through her right to my heart and said the words I so needed to hear.  

Have you ever experienced a time when it seemed like God spoke through someone else directly to you?