Weird Work Stuff

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This job is definitely the biggest roller coaster ride I've ever been on.

I've shared before how:
I was just thrown into opening up the medical department of this newly opening facility without any knowledge or training on the company's polices or procedures, without having ever walked into or seen a functioning medical department with this company or any other correctional facility, without anyone to mentor me or show me the way, and without any prior exposure to ICE.  I've lamented here about all the over the top long hours I was working to try to figure it all out and put it all together, while building a team and training my staff (not to mention while taking care of patients).  The customer ICE wasn't happy so the company finally brought in someone  as my boss and made me the assistant Health Services Administrator (H.S.A.).  This new boss had worked in corrections for around 14 years, had worked for this company 2 years, was an RN, and and had worked as an H.S.A. for a few years.

I've complained about all the challenges with my new boss over the past 5 months, but I've also shared some about how God's worked.  How I kept praying that God would change my heart and then, one day when this new boss shared about her lack of friends, I started finding it easy to love her.

Love's like that you know; we just love people how they are.  Even though they have flaws and irritate us, we just can't help it, we still love them.  It started being that way with my boss; don't get me wrong, she still drove me crazy with her lack of leadership and planning, and her dumping stuff on me, and the way she thinks she's being direct with people but she's really being mean.  But I also started appreciating how thoroughly she knew the company's policies, how good she is at administrative stuff like organizing employee files, getting policy books together, and getting medical records organized, and her clinical skills and knowledge as a nurse.  I stopped even trying to get her to get together with me frequently so that we could game plan together and just started going with the flow since that was my only option.  Interestingly enough she started coming to my office and seeking me out and sometimes that game planning happened after all.  Other times I had the opportunity to just emotionally be there for her.  If anyone could understand her struggles and challenges in her job it was me.

To my surprise this past week they walked my new boss off the job.  They let her go from this job because the customer ICE is not happy with her.

Basically the same thing happened to her as happened to me.

Like me, the company didn't fire her.  They demoted her to being a floor nurse at another correctional facility.  She'd moved here from Colorado, so they paid her moving expenses back there and gave her a job at a facility of theirs in Colorado.

Imagine my pleasure and gratefulness to read these words she emailed me the day after she left:
" Miss u already. U deserve so much more. Keep your chin up and I think of u as one of the few friends I have tracy!"

Wow.  You just never know what's going to happen.

When the warden and the regional director came to my office to talk to me after she'd left I was glad for how different I felt then when 5 months ago I was with these men and a couple of other "suits" in the warden's office being demoted.    This day I felt confident, I had energy (before I'd been working so many hours that I was just plain frazzled and used up), and there was a certain sense of detachment.  Although I still work  hard, still seek to have a vision and a plan for the big picture as well as the daily details one, and every day I want God to minister to others through me, I've already been disillusioned with the job and this company and am just not concerned about what they think of me.

I told them that I really liked ___________ (my boss' name).  The warden told me "me too".  Then the warden talked about what an extremely easy person I am to get along with, and he spoke with an air of this being an unusual thing; I'm hoping that somehow this might be a witness to him about God.  The warden and regional told me some concerns that the customer had and I didn't act worried; I let them know even more details about those issues and others like them and how I'd fixed the specific problems, what we were doing systemically to prevent those problems, and about the tools we had already created and were working on creating to conduct ongoing quality checks to ensure we avoid these pitfalls.  The regional first of all was confused about "tools" and then wanted me to have myself or someone else check every single provider order to follow it through and make sure that nothing falls through the cracks (it needs to be mentioned here that we have hundreds of orders daily).  I explained about the double-check on the orders that we'd just trained on twice over the past two weeks that still isn't being consistently done.  I continued to be candid and let him know that this in itself won't perfectly ensure that no follow up items fall through the cracks and that I'm working on figuring out how to monitor/prevent these things from occurring.  I could tell he wasn't happy with my response but I was confident in the truth of what I was saying and the fact that I'm right.  And I really don't care what he wants to hear because I know I'm doing my best and if he's got someone with some real, down and gritty, answers I'm totally open to hearing them and working with them.  The warden talked just like he did in the meeting where they demoted me about how much they appreciate me; who knows if this is real or not but I can at least rest in the assurance that I'm seeking to do exactly what God desires for me.

Later the warden's secretary came to me to help her with some stuff she wasn't sure about.  She told me how much she admires my attitude.  I told her that God's good and I'm grateful; I also told her that ICE is really difficult to work with!  She said that she'd use a much stronger word than difficult.

So who knows what tomorrow will bring at this job.

I continue to pray for another job and keep my eyes open and apply when anything comes along.  But I also continue to acknowledge that maybe, and apparently, God wants me here for now.  So may I be obedient every day that I am.

Interesting Event

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I've mentioned in prior posts the challenges at my job and complained about my new boss.  But something interesting happened recently.  I was in her office, standing; she was standing too because we were both about to go out onto the floor.  She reached over and grabbed my arm, above the wrist.  I almost pulled back because it seemed so odd.

But then she said to me that she would hug me but she was afraid she'd start crying.  She said that she wanted to touch me to emphasize the point of how very much she appreciates me.

I think God's definitely working here.

Changes

I've been whining and complaining about my job and my new boss.  I've prayed that God would change my want-to with regard to both my boss and job.  Due to my boss' sarcasm, lack of planning, and dumping on me at the last minute, I'm challenged to pray for her and to want to minister to her; but I've been praying that God would change my heart.

Friday when my boss and I were talking we were laughing about how early we fall asleep 'cuz this job kicks our tails. I'd said that I feel like such a loser 'cuz I'm tired at 9:30PM on a Friday night. She made a joke about how she's such a loser that, on a Friday night even if she stayed awake, she's without anybody to do anything with any way. I encouraged her that it's because she just moved here for this job and to give it some time and she'll make friends. She said that no she didn't have any friends where she moved from before this either; that her husband is her only friend (he works out of state and they don't get to see each other all the time).

She grabbed my heart with that one!

A woman without friends - that hurts.  I've been there; I know all too well the hollow ache that creates.  I'm so grateful that today I have a few very close, inner circle friends, as well as a few next ring out friends with whom I could call up and go do something fun.  To be without friends just plain sucks!

I'm beginning to gain a vision that somehow God can use me in this woman's life.

Truth Statements

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 I've got a couple of challenging situations in my life; stuff at my job, and some choices one of my son's has made and the situations those choices have created in his life.

Both of these situations hit me hard in the heart.  Both of these are situations that I could choose to perseverate on the negatives aspects of and become depressed and even bitter regarding.

Lately the Holy Spirit has been teaching how where I put my focus, what I think on, impacts my response to these challenges.  I can, and have at times chose to, listen to the messages I receive from a myriad of places or the thoughts that come into my head with regard to these challenging situations.  Or I can choose to think on what God says.

I've felt impressed to spend some time in the Word and come up with some Truth statements about my work and about my son.  These are statements that I can choose to think on when the negative thoughts come into my mind.

Here are those Truth Statements (and the scriptures they come from):

• God loves me and is in control of my life and I can always count on Him. (Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 25:9-11, Ephesians 1:3-12)                                                                                                            
• God wants to use me right where I am right now in my daily life.  He wants to use me in the lives of the people with whom I come in contact. (Philippians 4:4-5,  Matthew 5:14-16, 1 Peter 2:11-13, I Thessalonians 4:10-12)
• My work is for God not my boss, or family, or anyone else.  It does not matter if others appreciate me because my purpose is to please God. (Colossians 3:22-24, Philippians 1:10-11, 2 Timothy2:3-5)
• God loves this son of mine and has good plans for his life (2 Peter 3:8-9, Jonah 4:1-2)
• Although my son may have wandered away from God and pursued his own way, God won't give up on this son of mine. ( Luke 15:11-32, Matthew 18:10-14, Proverbs 2:6 )
• God will use even this son's mistakes and sins to bring about good in his life. (Psalm 11:7, Romans 8:25-29)

Coincidence?

Some small, but perhaps significant, things have happened yesterday.  I'm wondering if these things are correlated to some other things from the previous night and morning,or if they're just coincidence.

Photo from http://blog.followingtheancientpaths.org

The things from the prior night and morning can be traced back to, ultimately, God; but also to some people who via the written word, God's brought into my life.  Those people would be Priscilla Schirer and Rcubes from Off the Beaten Trek .

Last night I read a scripture that I've read many times before:

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

I didn't think any new thoughts on the verse, but somehow, I felt more deeply impacted by the verse than I have previously.   Priscilla Schirer, in her book about Jonah that I've been reading, asks the question of if you have a messed up "want-to" and I've been thinking about this.  Because the truth is I do have a messed up "want-to".  I want to do what I want to do, my desires don't always line up with God's.   I've been so unhappy and frustrated in my job, I've struggled to overcome this feeling that comes to me frequently that says I hate my job.   Sure I have plenty to be unahppy about but the bottom line is that this is where I'm at for now and being a hater never helps anything, and there are some good things about my job.  So every day I've been trying and trying to remind myself that God is in control of the universe and that He has at least allowed me to be here, to remind myself of what is good about my job, and to try to see how I can be of help or encouragement to the people with whom I come in contact every day.  But it's been a huge struggle; it feels every day like I'm trying to go up a waterfall that is torrentially coming down upon me.  So last night I started praying that God would change my "want-to"; I started asking Him to teach me how to delight in Him and that the desires of my heart would come into alignment with His desires for me.

Rcubes works in a correctional institution as do I.  She's indicated previously at various times that there is more to situations than we can see in the natural, she's spoken about spiritual warfare.  I've got to tell you that spiritual warfare is not one of my favorite topics.  I've mentioned before that previously in my life I was involved in an unhealthy "charismatic" church many years ago and that I, wrongly, threw out much good theology and practice right along with all the bad.  So, due to prior abuses, I've shied away from the whole topic of spiritual warefare.  But scripture is very clear that there is an unseen realm, and that this realm affects the realm we can see.  It's also clear that Believers are involved in a spiritual battle.  In Ephesians 6:11-13 it talks about the armor of God and I felt a desire to pray through that yesterday morning and, metaphorically speaking, to put on that armor.  I prayed God's protection over me, and for Him to send his mighty warrior angels to protect me and asked that He would grant me His favor in the day.

Yesterday was a typical day at work.  One thing after another went wrong, I was pulled a bunch of different directions.  Started the day with an RN with a bad attitude who, when I pulled her aside to let her know that the attitude isn't acceptable, ended up bursting into tears and telling me about how I have it out for her.  Had auditors criticizing our paperwork.  Had a new medical records clerk actually ask me while I was training her if I expect her to remember the training I was providing to her.  Had the psychiatrist ask to speak to me due to serious meical and psychological concerns about one of our detainees, and was without any kind of guidlines on how to respond in the sitution, I had to think and pray and go with what seemed best to me.  The assistant warden came into medical records and decided that we are not organized the way he thinks best and wanted us to change everything - right them. We couldn't find the medical record for a detainee transferred over from our building next door but they said they did not have it (it was finally found that they did). The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.

But somehow, in the midst of all of this, I didn't feel all frazzeled like I usually do every day.  I didn't hear the words in my head I hate my job. I had a phone conversation with my new boss where we actually laughed and joked together and I felt like we were in it together, where I liked her. Near the end of the day when I was following up on a problem with two security lieutenants one of them commented on how I'm smiling more then I usually do and seem happier and the other emphatically affirmed the comment  (I always go out of my way to be nice to these guys and they recognize that, but I'm never personal with any of them, so it surprised me that they even think about how I feel).  When I got home last night John commented on how it's so good to have the old me back, that he's happy to see me not being so super stressed by my work.

I know this sounds so small, but this is not how I have felt for the past 14 months, and espcially not for the past 2 months since they've brought in this woman to be my boss.

Maybe it's somthing transitory, maybe not; time will tell.  Is my experience related to asking God to enable me and teach me to delight in Him and to change my "want-to?"   Is my experience related to focusing on the armor described in Ephesians 6:11-13 and praying my way though it yesterday morning and praying for His protection and favor?  Or, is it just a coincidence?

Maybe I've been asking the wrong question

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I've journaled a lot about my struggles with my job.

I'd been in charge, been the person to work tons of hours creating this program from nothing and then suddenly the company (who gave me nothing in terms of training prior to starting the endeavor and only finally provided a little bit of training after 9 months) brings in another employee over me and makes me her assistant.  To their credit, or at least my good, they kept me at the same pay.  Something that makes it even more challenging is that my new boss is sarcastic, sharp with people, and difficult to work with because she doesn't lead and is unclear about what she wants.  On the good side she's worked for this company for many years and knows their systems well, she's a competent manager, and she's an RN who has more specific medical knowledge than I.

So I've struggled with the whole situation and whined a lot here.

Recently I've started a Bible study in the book of Jonah.  I'm utilizing a companion workbook put together by Priscilla Shirer that looks at Jonah from the perspective of a life interrupted.  I can relate to that theme. I had these career plans to grow this program and, although the program is growing, I'm no longer in charge.  This wasn't how I envisioned things going.

Shirer makes these points in her book that have got me to thinking:

"A life interrupted by a holy God is a privilege"

"God doesn't need us to complete His purposes, yet He still chooses to ask us to partner with Him.  It's unfathomable.  His callinig you means that He has chosen you above anyone else to do what He is asking.  You are the one He singled out and pinpointed as His partner for a particular project."

"Believing that divine interruptions are a privilege not only will cause us to handle them differently but also to await them eagerly.  Knowing that we have an opportunity to participate in God's purposes should cause us to sit on the edge of our seats in anticipation of divine interventions disguised as life's interruptions."

So, I've been spending time looking and looking and looking for another job.  I've been asking why can't I seen to get another job?   But now I'm thinking that I need to be seeking God as to what He wants from me here at this job right now.  I need to be asking what is Your purpose in having me here at this job right now?  What is it that You want me to do?

The key of trusting God

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I've been struggling a lot at my current job.  Feel like I've been treated poorly, and then had a person brought in who is directly above me.  In all fairness this person has very different strengths and weakness than mine and between the two of us we have a lot of powerful strengths.  If I'm really honest I'm jealous; I don't feel like this person is more valuable or better but she's making 25% more money and is now my boss.  But, it's like my husband John said to me; I'm only meant to follow God's path for me, not to worry about her path or what's happening with her.     I've prayed about getting another job but so far nothing has panned out.  Not to mention that twice now during the past 6 months I've heard a voice that I think might be the Holy Spirit saying but will you trust me in this job?

So in this current set of circumstances I read the following verse this morning that spoke to my heart:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13 (NIV)

I want joy, peace, and hope.  I know from experience that it's not something I can manufacture.  I remembered anew as I read these lines that only the Holy Spirit can produce joy, peace and hope in my life.  Saw anew that the key is trust in God.

There's a line in The Cure that I read not long ago: "Where you are right now is the perfect place for you, or the God of all goodness and power would not allow you to be there".

So I'm here.  I'm seeking by His power in me to trust Him.  I'm trying to every day have an attitude that is open to how God would want me to reach out to the people with whom I work and the patients who it's our job to care for.   Because of this change in my perspective I'm finding little things each day to bring me satisfaction and joy:  When two officers commented on how happy I always seen at work and I could tell them that God is good, when a patient thanks me for caring and helping him, when this new boss looks at me in an odd way and comments on how she just doesn't understand why I'm so nice.

Bill Thrall makes the statement that the process of destiny is humility, submission, obedience, and suffering.  So obviously my current situation puts me in a great place to be part of that process. 

Forgiveness is only easy in Theory

First off, I'm grateful.

Taken from comefillyourcup.com

When I saw my doctor yesterday she wrote me off for 10 days.  I think my new boss and employer may be upset, but since I've got a physician's off work order, there is nothing they can do.  Since I've never used any of my sick time in the 13 months I've been on this job, I've got more than sufficient days to take these 10 days off with pay.  And I need them!

After a brief time in the Word I took a hike with John this morning, made us a wonderful brunch, and then settled in to to read the next chapter in The Cure . Can't express enough how incredible it is to not be exprierencing constant calls from work and to be able to engage in my life.

 Not surprisingly, God must have had this chapter just waiting for me today.  There's a lot in this chapter about forgiveness and, much to my surprise, the Holy Spirit convicted me about my need to repent and to forgive my employer.  Wow-here I've been feeling like the victim and then I'm hit with the fact that I need to do some repenting!  Although I may have been victimized, for my own health (not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to be a person who reflects God's love in my workplace) I need to both forgive my work and repent of the sins I've committed in the midst of all this.

Isn't that annoying?!  I don't know about you, but I'm much more comfortable with self righteous indignation than with humility.

One of the truths the authors brought to my attention is that my struggle with forgiveness is related to my trust in God.  If I believe that He is control of everything, and that anything that occurs in my life is because He has allowed it, then I will trust that these tough situations are going to be used for my good and that God will see me through them.  (Obviously one of my sins has been my failure to trust God, my self will.)

I'm grateful for this book because the authors reminded me that the repentance is not something I can work up on my own. 2 Timothy 2:25 makes it clear that God gives us the gift of repentance.  So it was no big dramatic thing; I just asked God to give me the gift of repentance and spent some time letting the Holy Spirit bring to my mind my sins.  I asked God to forgive me, thanked Him, and then asked Him to empower me to not fall into these any more.

Interestingly enough, repentance of wrong doing on my part in all of this, makes it easier to forgive my employer.

Have you ever had a situation where you had difficulty forgiving?  What did God teach you through it?

Stressed and exhausted

This is a vent post. One of those it's better to write it out then sit here with heartburn from all the thoughts and feelings.

I'm letting my job really get to me and I don't know how, can't seem to, stop it.  I wake up just about every night with thoughts of stuff that needs to get done at work or things that could go wrong and I'm awake thinking about a new plan to fix a problem. John says he can tell that I'm having nightmares a lot too because he hears me cry out in my sleep.   I have this fantasy of just going to bed and sleeping until I want to get up; maybe like for 2 days straight.

It feels like every day that I go in to work it's just one problem after another after another coming my way.  Sometimes I choose the wrong problem to work on fixing and then some problem that I didn't fix blows up in my face.  This happens about twice a week.  Each time the customer, ICE, is mad at me.  Then my boss the warden is mad at me.  Hopefully this new woman who they are bringing in to be over me will help.  There's been more on my plate then any one person can do and I'm tired.

If I'm honest I feel resentful because she'll come in not exhausted (I've been at this for a year now; a year of loss of sleep and working an enormous number of hours).  She's also coming in and making 25% more money.  But the truth is that God is in control of my life and I need to practice contentment.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.  I feel like if I were a better Christian, better able to trust God, that I would be like Paul when he was in prison and just be praising God through all this hard stuff.  Instead I'm frustrated and exhausted, and here complaining.  My only consolation is that it's better to write and complain, so that I can hopefully be more positive around others.

I keep applying for other jobs but the economy is bad here and the job market is depressed.  For every job there are many, many, applicants.  So I stay where I'm at and try to do the best I can, yet I can see that I burned out.  I go to the Kaiser doctor on Tuesday and am hoping he'll write me an off work order for a few days; I've got lots of unused PTO time on the books.  Maybe if a doctor writes me off I'll really get the time off.  When I tried to take vacation days in June I still had to handle things while on vacation and they made me end it a day early and come back in on a Friday and then work the entire weekend. I made them credit back those 2 weekend days to me since I didn't really get a vacation.  I think the business manager did me a solid and just credited it all back to me because he knows I didn't totally get off.  But I did have some fun times with John.

Poor John.  I'm such a dud lately.  Wish I had a turn off switch and could just turn work off.   It would be easier to do if I wasn't on the phone so much with work when I'm not at work.  There are constant calls and crisis and situations.  I think it would help if I could get away from it all for a few days, totally away, and get a bunch of sleep and then start to enjoy other things in life again and become physically refreshed.  I feel like I need about 4 days just to sleep and detox and then about another 4 to start to have a life again and to think about all the other things that have nothing to do with work (it's like I've started not knowing what to do with myself outside of work since I'm just so exhausted).  Then a couple more days for a time of seeking God and spiritual renewal.  Then I could go back to work with a new perspective.  So, I'm praying that the Kaiser doctor will write me off work for 10 days.

The oxymoron of "sin management"

When I read the third chapter in The Cure this morning it struck a deep chord in my heart.

Picture from mongrelhorde.blogspot.com

The main theme of the chapter is that sometimes we don't really see God for who He is because we're looking at Him through our shame instead of through the truth of His grace and love.  When we're looking at God through our shame we live in a world of good intentions, a world where we work hard and, in a sense, try to engage in sin management.  When we see God for who He is, we accept His love and grace, live in that love and grace and trust Him to mature us into the new creation He has made in us.

Gotta tell you; I can barely explain the love and grace way.  I've got the shame way down pat.

I know about disciplines, and working hard to focus, trying so hard to please and "get it right".  I know the despair that comes from feeling like I never measure up.  If I totally pull my covers; the truth is that I feel rather numb when it comes to knowing in my deepest being that I'm a new creation and that He will complete His work in me (Philippians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 5:15-18 ), that He will cause me to mature in His time.  I will say that for my current job - it is totally getting me in touch with my feelings of inadequacy!

As I'm writing this I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures from Matthew 5:3; I adore the way Peterson paraphrases it in The Message:

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

These current trying situations at work leave me just wishing God would help me get another job. I don't see any other way out. But He's not opening any doors and, as much as I hate to admit it, even though I want to leave my current job, I don't feel a release in my heart. Gotta admit to feeling a bit lost and a lot tired.

I'm not finished thinking on these concepts of seeing God through my shame vrs through His grace and love and work in me.

Executive secretaries and the voice of God

Something interesting happened at work today.

To put the event into context: I've been struggling at work since since that Terrible Tuesday meeting. I've struggled to get myself in to work in the morning and I've struggled with my attitude and emotions. But I've always become caught up in the tasks that comprise my day and given myself over to the completion of the seemingly unending tasks set before me to run the current program, work on audit corrections, see to it that our processes become entrenched, ensure that the new staff are trained, and pull together all the pieces that make up the opening of the new program next door.

 At the end of 11 hour days I find myself exhausted and nodding off to sleep by around 9PM in the evening. Only to wake up around 2AM with thoughts swirling around in my head. I've tried to put into practice Philippians 4:6-7 and not worry about all that there is to be unhappy about my unfair treatment at work; to trust and praise God instead. But in the very early hours of this morning I just couldn't seem to do it. I'd started reading The Cure this week and have decided to read and think on a chapter each week. Although I can't say that I've found the book well written so far, I was deeply moved by the theme of choosing to trust God that dominated the first chapter. In those angst filled pre-dawn morning hours today I talked with God about how I want to trust Him but just can't seem to do it. It seemed as if the Holy Spirit brought Ephesians 2:8-9 to my mind; that it is God who, by His grace, gives us the gift of the ability to have faith, or trust, in Him.

So it is in this context that I drug myself in to work this morning. All the while wanting desperately to stay home.

Then God spoke to me.

And He did it through the warden's executive secretary.

I don't even know that she's a follower of God. She's a delightful person and she and I have always gotten along well but she's never indicated any faith to me so far in the almost year that we've worked together. But today she came to my office for some documents and she came in. She'd just found out about my demotion and began to speak to me. I expressed how much this has hurt me and voiced feelings of failure even though on another level I don't' feel like I've done anything wrong. She told me to look at her; then she said that I have done nothing wrong. She said that because that detainee died 3 weeks after we sent him to the acute hospital, everyone was looking for someone on whom to blame the death.  She said that, unfortunately, that someone ended up being myself and the former warden. She told me that I'm a lot like the former warden in that we both give everything we've got, put our entire hearts into our jobs, which is why my heart is now broken. But she told me that she wants me to know that she knows I've done right and respects me tremendously and wants to make sure that I know that several people in "high positions" respect me as well. Then she went off into how this is bad company to work for because they treat their people wrong. After she left my spirit felt encouraged. The despair with which I'd been struggling was lifted. It was as if God spoke through her right to my heart and said the words I so needed to hear.  

Have you ever experienced a time when it seemed like God spoke through someone else directly to you?

When the rubber meets the road

I can't say that I'm righteous because in and of myself I'm not.  But I'm sure grateful that Jesus' righteousness has been given to me; 2 Corinthians 5:21 proclaims the deal I got, my sin for his righteousness.

Then this morning during my time with God I come across these verses in Psalm 34:18-22(MSG):

¹⁸ If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;

   if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.

 ¹⁹ Disciples so often get into trouble;

   still, God is there every time.

 ²⁰ He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;

   not even a finger gets broken.

 ²¹ The wicked commit slow suicide;

   they waste their lives hating the good.

 ²² God pays for each slave's freedom;

   no one who runs to him loses out.

I need to think on these verses today because it's been an over the top bad week.

At work the customer for my department (a commander with ICE Health Services Corp) who is an RN has been giving me grief for months.  I've tried everything to appease her, anything that she says she wants or that we should be doing, I go and do.  I've been working 10-13 hour days, 6 days a week and being on the phone with work a lot of times when I'm not at work.  My heart has longed to make everything so perfect.

One of the issues has been that she's an RN who thinks only RNs or mid levels or physicians can really understand and ensure correct services, and I'm an administrator not a provider.  The company knew exactly who they were hiring when they got me and they know that my team and I have pulled off an incredible feat pulling this all together without any support from the company.  But I've basically compensated by just working really hard and doing whatever it takes.

To make things even more difficult, the company has in response to all this been sending in auditor after auditor from within the company every week.  Most of these are new to the company people who want to make a name for themselves so they've shared their vast knowledge by picking various and sometimes contradicting, things on which to focus.  Areas that in some job they came from they once found was a real issue; it's as if they want to show how they have some very valuable knowledge that no one else has ever heard about to show what an asset they are.  Most weeks for the past two months I've had to deal with auditors and then stay even later to get my actual work done as well as any follow up necessary from their findings.


So when this commander came to audit on Monday I believed it would finally go well because we've got all our systems in place, our services are great, and our charting looks immaculate.  But it didn't exactly go well.  She couldn't find any real problems so she brought up things that no one expects, things that are silliness and not community standard.  During her exit the warden assured her that we'd get on everything that she brought up but asked for an affirmation from her that she knows we're good to go on our expansion plans that are set to go into effect August 1 since, at best, all her concerns are very minor (only he said this in the most polite of ways), but she hedged and acted uncomfortable.

Then on Tuesday the warden called me into his office where I came upon my boss on both the medical side and the warden, plus the VP of medical services for the company, and the regional director of operations.  Just men in suits and me.  Bottom line is that they've brought in an RN to take my job and demoted me to her assistant. I'll only get 6% of the 12% increase in pay that I was supposed to get.  This person won't be here until August 13 so I'll still end up doing all of the hard work associated with an opening.  Because of some contract problems with the customer, the company would not give the go ahead to hire the staff we've got waiting in the wings, so I'll be short staffed.  Over the past few weeks I've written a few emails to both my bosses and the regional HR manager about the staffing situation because I can't ensure patient safety without enough medical staff coverage but I've been blown off.  They are finally responding and by August 13 those new hires will be in place.  I've put together a training program for all of these new hires so that everyone will be ready to go.  Then this new person will walk in and reap all the rewards.

But it seems that the company is counting on the fact that once an RN is in place this RN commander will be satisfied.  Everyone is happy.  Every one except for me; I feel used and betrayed.  This RN is moving from Colorado to take the job and they had to offer her 25% more than I'm currently making; this didn't just happen this has been in the works for months to make happen.  To make things worse I've got way more breadth and depth than her but she does have a correctional background and this is my first time in corrections - it really is a different world in some ways.  Basically both my bosses have admitted that I've been done wrong but this is just how it is.

So, with all this going on, I come to these verses.  So what do these verses say to me?

I am not alone.

God is here with me.

He is my shield.  Even if it looks like I'm getting the raw end of things, I can still count on Him.  I can trust Him.

I'm not a very spiritual person.  I mess up lots of times.  I'm not even always sure when God is talking to me.  My experience has been that God's voice is a thought in my head like all the other thoughts.  Only sometimes I am certain that one came from God and at other times I'm not so sure.  A couple of months ago when I was crying out to God about all this crud at work and how no other work doors were opening (I've been taking some time once a week to look and apply for other jobs during most weeks) I thought I might have heard God say: But will you trust Me here in this job? I thought I heard those words again when I was driving home on Tuesday night.  So my un-spiritual response was - what else am I gonna do Lord?!  You're God and I'm not and I can't change anything-it's all in your hands, Please help me have a good attitude and do what it right regardless of what is going on around me.

So here I am today trying to focus on these truths - I am not alone, God is here with me, He is my shield and I can count on Him, I can trust Him.  These are the things that I need to keep deep in my heart and let my actions stem from.

Faith and Doubt - The struggle

This morning as I emailed my weekly update to my son Devon who's serving our country in Afghanistan I found myself telling about my work, how much I long to make everything perfect and have someone in authority  recognize how hard I work and express that they are pleased with me and my performance.

As I came into my time with God those thoughts lingered in the back of my mind.  I found myself asking why I have this intense need to please.

It hit me - because I was created to please God.

That driving inner desire to please is not wrong, but I'm working to please the wrong ones.  God is the only One who matters. But then I started crying because I know I'm such a mess up, I fall so very short of God's ways.  I had to remind myself that this is why Jesus came and died in the first place, because no one is good enough.  I reminded myself that His grace is so much bigger than my mess ups.  His love is all consuming.

So I know that He loves me.

But I struggle with if God's pleased with me.

Does anybody else ever have these struggles?

                   I believe that in order for faith to be real, it can not only withstand all my doubts and questions, but grows through them.

See the Word be Real in my Life

I am absolutely exhaused!!!

So my mind remembers Matthew 11:28-29 (NASB):

28 “ Come to Me, all [a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

[Footnotes: a.Matthew 11:28 Or who work to exhaustion]

I read this verse, I choose to believe the Bible, but I don't see this in my life.
 
I want to be a person who takes God at His word and expriences what the Bible talks about in her life.  So I'm going to be pursuing this.  I want to explore this and find out why I'm not able to connect with God and find that rest that I so need.  Maybe I'm not really understanding the verse, maybe I'm expecting the wrong thing, or perhaps I'm not coming to Him and really taking His yoke and learning - I don't know.  But I do know that I'm both physicially and emotionally over-the-top exhausted. 
 
Have any suggestions?  Have you had any experiences that would shed light on these verses and how to appropriate them into your life?   Has God taught you anything in this area?  I'd adore hearing what you have to say.
 
Another verse that comes to mind is Ephesians 1:17-19 (MSG):
 
I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

I've been led by the Holy Spirit to share this verse with Devon, my oldest son, and to pray this verse over him, numerous times.  But I don't see it in my own life.   So I want to change, to learn how to allow God to work in my life and make this part of His Word real in me.

Again, any experiences or wisdom that you have pertaining to this would be greatly appreciated.

What now?

This passage from James 4:7-10, the way Peterson paraphrases it in The Message, is one I come back to repeatedly:

7-10 So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

This is where I'm at right now in my life. I tried and tried to get a better job and finally landed what I thought was a career future job and now for the last 8 months that I've been there it's like I lost my life. I've worked all kinds of crazy hours and been tired and confused and it's felt like it never ends...

But my life is not about my work. My life is first and foremost about seeking to see what God is doing and what He wants from me, what He wants to do through me. My life is about letting Him use me in the relationships in my day to day life.

I feel the need for more time away with just God and I right now, to allow Him to make some changes in me so that He can make me more useable.

What about you, what new things is God doing in your life?

Praise and soaring with Eagles

Have you ever been super tired? So exhausted that all you longed for was to just crawl into bed and forget the whole world?

I know I have been.

Lately I feel that way by 8PM at night! So weird for me since I've lived most of my life being a night owl. But this job and opening up a whole new operation with another new opening next door in July has me really whipped!

But you know what I've noticed? That sometimes, when I'm super tired and am certain that I have absolutely no energy left and there's nothing left to give, that something can come along to change it all. Maybe an opportunity to go do something really special that I never get to do (like spend time with Devon when he was home, or go to a concert with my old boss), or when I learn that a problem over which I've been trying not to stress (in Christian-ese we call this a "burden") has been solved (Christian-ese: "burden lifted"), or something super encouraging happens. Then all of the sudden my heart is light and my energy is renewed!

Have you ever had that happen?

Reminds me of Proverbs 13:12 (NIV): Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

This morning during my time with God I caught an insight into this rejuvenating, or renewing, experience in a different way.

To put this into context I'll mention that the work weeks have been brutal for me. There have been times during the past few months when I've planned a Friday night outing with John or friends, but have ended up so frazzled and exhausted by Friday night that I've ended up cancelling; so I've stopped planning Friday night activities. Last night found me crashed in bed, sound asleep, by 9:30PM (quite the exciting girl I must say-ha!). But I woke up at 1:30AM and my mind started looking at my upcoming staffing situation at work from every angle, I kept turning it over in my mind trying to make it work; finally I just got up and spent some time on the computer configuring some things and praying.

This morning when I came to my time with God I found myself singing songs of praise and worship. In my head I thought about how I could be singing all those I-need-You songs cuz I do so need Him. But all my heart could sing was worship of His greatness and thankfulness. Then my reading today was in Psalm 103 and the 5th verse (NLT) hit me in a new way: He fills my years with good things and I am made young again like the eagle. What's being described here is just like those rejuvenating experiences that I'm talking about above!

Praising God can have a rejuvinating effect. Praise can be how we receive these becoming "young", or renewed again, experiences that we read about in the Bible ( Isaiah 40:30-31). Just as an eagle is renewed when it allows the jut stream to carry it higher until it soars, as I rally all of my faculties to praise the Lord, I am renewed!

What about you, have you ever experienced God's renewing though Praise?

When the going gets tough I need to be grateful

Times have been just plain tough for me these past few months. I’ve battled frustration and exhaustion. Due to work and life demands I’ve often not even gotten enough sleep. But I know that when life gets tough I need God. Need to do things His way. That my hope is in Him. So I’m trying to choose to note, and reflect on, the blessings that come my way every day.

Colossians 3:15 directs the followers of God to:

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

With this in mind I want to spend time today in gratitude and reflecting on recent blessings:

My niece has been studying some and says she’s actually starting to understand her math class sometimes. (She came to live with us this past August and her last progress report had 3 Fs and 1 D)

This same niece came to church today with her boyfriend.

The above mentioned boyfriend claims to be a Christian. I think they’re kind of the same type of Christians; she and he both have heard the Word and responded but are enticed by the world and are following after those things right now. But at least he’s open to the gospel and truth.

My middle son is open and honest with me. Even if right now he’s not sharing the things I wish he would; he’s into drinking alcohol and partying.

This same middle son is getting decent grades in college and has started a part time job now that football season is over. I’m also grateful that he’s in college on a football scholarship. Mostly grateful that God does have His hand on this young man's life and that my prayers for him are not in vain.

Friday afternoon the assistant warden at work came and sat in my office. He told me that the warden asked him to come talk with me. They wanted to let me know that they recognize that there’s no one in the facility that works harder or more hours than me. That they realize that I am getting nothing from anyone in the company and am on my own. They recognize that they had been beating me up all week and been so hard on me, because the customer ICE has been hard on them. They understand that many of the problems are not anything I can do anything about, and those that are, they see that I am working to resolve.

Oldest son Devon will be home for Christmas (I haven’t seen him since his college graduation in May 2010).

My husband John is encouraging, supportive, and loves me. That we we get to have time alone together.

That a friend took me to a thoroughly enjoyable Christmas home and quilt tour yesterday put on by the local quilt guild.

It’s beautiful and I live in Wrightwood with the clear skies and majestic tall pines.

Even though I’m tired and have so many challenges before me, I have so much to be thankful for. May I choose to think on these things.

Blessings keep coming

Lately I've been thinking about how blessings seem to follow the really tough times if you persevere, and about choosing to look for, acknowledge, and enjoy the blessings –and boy are those thoughts still relevant!

Yesterday was a really bad awful terrible day.

I worked 13 long hours and it seemed like nothing could go right. I had an hour meeting with the warden and assistant warden that turned out to be what I think of as an ambush meeting. The warden had emailed me over the weekend when I’d emailed updates to him regarding various detainee specific events, that he wanted to meet with me. I assumed it would be regarding all these events and came to the meeting prepared with a print out about detainee specific events and system issues. However, as the meeting progressed, it became apparent the topic of the meeting was how-medical-keeps-messing-up-and-had-better-stop-it. At the very end of the meeting the warden asked, so do you have anything for us? By that time I was exhausted and spent . He also said he’d like to do this every Monday and Friday and include the Chief of Security in our meetings; you can bet I’ll be ready to speak to their issues next time.

Because I did know about the meeting I got to work early; around 5:30AM. Since it was early I did not eat prior to work. The day was hectic, just one thing after another, so I didn’t get a chance to take a lunch break or eat. By the time I went to leave at the end of the day I was so exhausted that I absolutely could not remember by ID number to put my key back into the key watcher. I had to embarrassedly call the assistant warden on his cell, explain the situation, and request direction – I was mortified! Fortunately he was really kind to me and, after telling me what I needed to do, he told me to go home and get some rest.

So this morning I got to work early again and I prayed the whole way there. Today was another tough day but I had a strategy. I’ve started my campaign to train and delegate. We hired on some more staff so now there are enough people to do the work and I can get some of this way too much work off of my shoulders.

Sometimes it’s the little things that really get to me. That’s how it was today; it was those few small bright rays of blessing that made it all worthwhile. The staff who must have noticed that I often miss out on lunch and saved me a plate and brought it to me. Those staff who came to me requesting training and duties that I could delegate to them. It was as if some of my staff were actually looking out for me – and I don’t take that for granted. I’m grateful.

What are some of the little blessings that have come your way lately?

Unexpected blessings from unexpected places

You many have caught on by now that I work in an immigration detention center. I'm the health services administrator.

This means that I work around a bunch of alpha male macho men all the time. Not any of my staff, because in medical we're just a bit different than the rest of the facility, but the rest of the building are pretty much that way.

Sometimes they drive me nuts.

My experience is that many immigration agents really do think they're all that. That male wardens really are, when you're blessed to get a good one like I have, great leaders but really intense. Sometimes I find the intensity draining.

Recently I was talking with my oldest son Devon on the phone. We were sharing about what's going in our lives. At one point I was talking about how frustrated I am with how these guys all treat me sometimes at work. He commented that "you know it's because you're so nice all the time and they can treat you that way". (Devon works in the macho world of the US Army.) To which I replied that I think nice is grossly under rated in our society. That nice people make the world better.

I've thought about it since then, and even through sometimes people may mistake my kindness for weakness, I still believe I'm who God made me to be and that the world needs kind people. People who actually care about how others feel.

But sometimes the Holy Spirit in me prompts me to stand up for myself.

Just such an incident occurred recently during a department director's meeting with the warden. There are about 15 people in this meeting, most of them men. The warden started saying stuff about "not to be disrespectful" and talking trash about my psychiatrist in medical. Specifically in terms of his management of this one specific detainee. Without thinking about it, I heard myself utter the words: "but you are being disrespectful sir". I then explained that that our psychiatrist, psychologist, NP who has a specialty in psych, and myself who ran secured psych facilities for 10 years all see the situation the same way and it's him who has the outlier opinion.

The room was silent for that second after I spoke. I felt uncomfortable.

Then the warden started laughing. Possibly because I'm always so nice and put up with so much stuff from these guys all the time and here I was, in a public venue, calling him out, and it was just so unusual that it struck him as funny. He was very tickled and laughed quite a bit and even made a comment to the effect that the two guys (himself and the head ICE man on site) were the only two who thought this detainee was crazy and that they were the two crazy men. Then the meeting continued.

Afterward, I caught the female administrative lieutenant who was in the meeting and asked if she thought I'd been disrespectful. She smiled hugely and said no, that she wanted to cheer for me.

A day later I received an email from the warden wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and these words:

"I appreciate your hard work, integrity, and honesty. You have a difficult, lonely, and thankless job. We will keep making progress. I do hope you know I am joking about making diagnosis. I don't have a clue and I definitely respect and trust you"

Words can't express what a blessing this email was to me!

How about you, have you had any unexpected blessings lately?

Confused and Tired

I'm a bit confused right now.

I started a new job in August that I thought was what God had for me. Now I'm beginning to wonder....

We opened up on August 29 and since then my life has been working 12-16hr days 6 days a week, being on the phone with work frequently when I'm not there, being awakened during the night due to work calls, learning by constantly messing up (verses being trained), stress, constantly hearing from the warden how I've messed up. Add to that that we had 2 physicians who were over the top horrible (one was a princess who lasted 4 days and was very mean to the staff and the other was an unmedicated Bi-Polar who yelled and talked incessantly - honestly, I'm not making this stuff up!) that did not work out; so I've been without for much of this time. A nurse practitioner who loves God and is really skilled but who has missed 1/3 of the work days due to various reasons. Also we've been down an RN for 2 weeks. Maybe I'm dramatic but I feel like the children of Israel when Pharaoh had them continue to make bricks but did not give them the needed materials (Exodus 5:6-9). Also, I am willing to work really hard but I HATE when I can not do things well. I desire excellence; and right now I can not say that anything in my department is totally together. Even though it's not all my fault because I was not given what I need, I'm still here and it's me who's going to have to make it right.

On the other hand I've got some incredible, hard working, gifted, smart, likeable, and dedicated people working for me. I find my heart very attached to them; part of it is because we're going through so much together. We all love what we do and we're getting better every day. It's just that we were all thrown in here and told to do it from the ground up and we've been figuring out what it is and how to do it (such a ridiculous way for a large company to do things!) So I'm tired, and often feel like I could perform better if I could get some real rest.

I'm just sustaining in the rest of life so I know I've been a total wash out where a lot of things are concerned such as my husband, youngest son still at home, niece who came to live with us, Kingdom Bloggers, Women's ministry with our church, etc. I have been able to continue to have the very small group Bible study that meets at my home twice a month and it was like a steam of goodness washing over me this past week! The Word is good and I take time for God each morning....yet I feel guilty for struggling so.

I'm just kind of trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong here and I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or if this is just a difficult time. Or am I where I'm supposed to be but I'm stupid or something? Am I doing something all wrong and not seeing it and that's what the problem is? Am I perhaps defective? I'm so physically tired that it makes it difficult to know for sure. I feel like this job is my responsibility so, until I know differently, I must do it to the best that I possibly can. I just can't tell if God is just using this to grow me and make me better, or if I really missed it and shouldn't be here at all.

Have you ever gone through a time in your life where it seemed like nothing was working right no matter how hard you tried? What helped you during that time?