I want to remember this one

Photo from Inspirational Christian Blogs

Had an experience yesterday that I want to remember.

Every morning before work I sit in this specific beige chair that's next to the bed at where I'm staying during the work week.  Every morning I take time to spend some time with God.  At different times in my life I've approached this time differently. Right now during this time I have this routine:

• Set my phone timer for 3 minutes during which I try to just quiet myself down and spend time being "still" and knowing that He is God.
• Spend time thanking God for specific blessings and good things in my life.
• Read a chapter in the New Testament.  Typically I try to read it out loud. Right now my goal is just to make my way through the New Testament one chapter a day.
• Reflect on what those verses taught me about God and how God is speaking to me through those verses.
• Pray

This is not a lot of time, maybe only 10-15 minutes.

These last couple of weeks have been just brutal at work.  One thing after another and then another.  I've been working long hours 5 days a week and coming in for a couple of hours on Sunday evenings.
A HFEN with the California Dept of Public Health (CDPH) had come in on Thursday in response to an incident which we had self reported.  Initially I felt very comfortable because the DON and I had worked hard to make sure we went over the top to handle this situation and document everything excessively.  I thought of it as a nothing berger. Then CDPH comes in and gives me an intent to cite behind the situation.  He said we did everything right but that the regulations changed in this past November and now we have to report anything that is anywhere in the realm of an "abuse" allegation within 2 hours of the incident - no matter what day or time. For years and years and years the regulation has been within 24hours unless bodily harm occurred and then within 2 hours.  In this situation it was not even an allegation - it was witnessed by the 2 patients involved and an LVN and RN.  The LVN and RN had intervened when the one patient went to hit the other so that no contact was made.  There really was no abuse involved but I reported it as an unusual occurrence.  The HFEN told me that I didn't know that the abuse didn't happen until I investigated when one of those patients told me about it on Monday.  I explained that it had been witnessed and the reason the nurses didn't call me was because no abuse occurred.  He pointed out that one of my interviews showed that a C.N.A. said that the 2 patients used "bad words" and that one patient saying bad words to another patient is resident to resident abuse and should have been reported in 2 hours.  I felt frustrated and angry because these type of things keep happening with DPH at this facility.  It is difficult not to feel like they are out to get us. I've been an administrator for many years and never had this type of incessant problems with CDPH.

Anyway, I was all upset.  I complained.  I allowed myself to get a bad attitude. Some other annoying things happend too.

In my time with God yesterday I read Matthew 7. Typically I've been reading NIV in my devotion times, but when I started this series I decided on the 3rd day to start reading the Message paraphrase for a while just to change it up a bit.  Yesterday these words from Matthew 7, starting with verse 7 caught my attention:

Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. 

When I read those words I just had to stop reading and do what it said.  I started asking God for what I needed: forgiveness for my bad attitude, a change of heart, His peace....on and on it went  But suddenly as I was praying I head myself saying words that hadn't been what I'd anticipated.  It was like the Holy Spirit started giving me the words to pray.  I've had that happen a few times in my life, not many. Then I begin to cry as I prayed.  It was as if the tears washed out my heart-all the anger and bitterness and frustration.  I felt clean.  But even more than that - I felt His presence.  I know that the Holy Spirit lives within me and God is always present.  But I don't always feel His presence.  Yesterday morning I felt Him there and it was so very precious.  His peace grew like an outward flow from the depth of my being.

It was a special time.  One of those times I want to remember.

That's why I recorded it here.

We passed!

Graphic from N & W Associates

Life always includes both the good and the bad.  Yesterday was a great example of that.

I called the local department of public health (DPH) yesterday. A woman there said our 2567s (the written problems noted during the survey are put onto a government form called a 2567) weren't done being written up yet and we'd get them either today or Monday.  But she was kind enough to verify that we did pass the survey!

I couldn't stop praising God!

This means that as soon as I obtain the 2567, write a plan of correction (POC), and provide verification of those corrections, DPH will issue me what they call a 2567B. The lady I spoke with promised she'd even fax me a copy of the 2567B so that I could get it more quickly.  Once I have the 2567B we can contact CMS (centers for Medicare and Medicaid) and get paid for all our new admissions since November 15.  Wow-what a relief! I hate to even think about what would have happened if we had not passed...

I'd called the owner's son and told him and he told the owner (he's actually the owner as well). Later in the day the owner called me and I was thinking she was going to rejoice with me or perhaps even thank me.  The survey that we didn't pass came on my 4th day and the problem situation occurred back in August - so I was in no way at fault.  But I've worked hard together with everyone else, and by God's grace provided the leadership to get things fixed.

The owner has  4 other facilities. DPH is doing a survey at one other the others and it is going very terribly.  The owner was upset and distraught.  In my head I understand what stress this must be for her.  I know that this building I'm running lost a lot of money last year and then with this denial of payment for new admissions since November, it's made her short on cash.  It must be extremely stressful.  At the same time, I found it difficult yesterday when she was yelling at me on the phone.

She was talking, talking, talking about all the problems and then telling me how I need to reduce the number of licensed nurses are are running on the AM and PM shifts.  I reminded her that we are barely meeting the state required 3.2 nursing hours per patient per day and she told me that I needed to meet that requirement through C.N.A.s instead of licensed nurses.  I didn't even get into it with her that I think we need to keep the number of licensed nurses AND increase the numbers of C.N.A.s.  Instead of just meeting the required 3.2 we should be running at 3.6 - that's part of how we become a 5-star facility.  I didn't say it because I didn't think this was the time to tell her that.  The she started telling me how I need to get the census up.  I reminded her about the steady increase in the census every since I came, to which she countered that I need to have 30 Medicare. Her message was that you may think you're improving but it's not good enough. I let her know we are working together and it takes time.  I didn't even get into the fact that this building is a 2-star in a 5-star system and all the other issues.  I just said the truth - that I am doing everything I can to provide the leadership to make it better and it is getting better.

 I'm kind of mad at myself because I let her get to me. I felt hurt.  In my head I know that I work unto God and not the owner.  In my head I know that God has chosen to put His blessing and favor on me and that, by His grace and through a lot of hard work and strategizing, we are doing a great job at improving. In my head I know that it is "never enough" with these owners.  But it was 1:30PM and I hadn't had lunch.  It was Friday and I was tired from a hard week.  I was still struggling with cold symptoms.  I felt angry over top of sadness.  There were 2 checks I needed to cash for the facility so I went to lunch and then to the bank While out, I called and talked with John my husband.  I prayed.

By God's grace I strive to remain emotionally even.  I'm 57 and have my own hormonal issues so I'm reminding myself not to be so hard on myself for feeling upset.  I didn't act on those feelings or tell others at work about them.  Although I did mention to John our business office manager that I'd just gotten off the phone with the owner and instead of thanking me she was yelling at me. I tell him things because he wants to become an administrator and he'll have to deal with owners. I also told him that the truth is that we all did great with the survey and he and Kristine are doing a great job at increasing the census.

The owner is difficult.  I believe that this is where God has me now so I look to Him for the grace to be able to deal with her.  God has blessed me with favor with DPH on that re-survey and I am grateful.  I'm looking forward to what's going to happen in the coming days.

You aren't always sure but you hope

For some weird reason a couple of weeks ago I had been remembering stuff I'd done wrong as a parent.  Every time I'd remember something I'd feel sad and grieve how I'd most likely done some sort of internal "damage" to my children.  It's not like I don't know that I'm forgiven; but there are still consequences to our behavior. Sometimes it's tough being a parent because you know you have such an impact on your children, yet you're broken yourself.  I always sought to have God help me but sometimes I screwed up.

Then out of the blue I got this instant message from my youngest son:

"Hey, I was thinking about how you taught me to serve others without expecting gratitude. Thank you."

I messaged back asking if anything had brought that up and he messaged me back saying he'd just been reading Proverbs 31 and thought about me especially when he read the 31st verse.  Wow. I've always seen that passage as the woman-who's-oh-so-wonderful and felt so much less than when I read it.  Yet here was Daniel saying he'd thought of me....what a blessing!

But it gets even better.

Last week we were talking on the phone and Daniel alluded to that conversation.  Then he said something about how he wanted to say more.  He sounded a bit nervous.  I steeled myself thinking okay here it comes, he's gonna tell me all the ways I was a mess up.  But that's not at all what he did. Instead he wanted to detail out for me all the things he was grateful for that I did for him.  I was so shocked that I can't even remember what exactly he said. But there were a few specific things that he said that meant a lot to me because of the story behind them:

* He said he was grateful that I always talked good about his father.
You know, the truth of the matter is that I did that by faith.  And by God's power.  His dad cheated on me. He said a lot of mean stuff to me (a common thing for a cheating spouse to do because it validates that it's OK what they did since you're so awful).  I was willing to forgive his dad and he wanted to stay in a marriage so he could be with his kids and save money, but he didn't want to remain faithful to me only.  A few years afterward I heard the boys saying the same kinds of things about the girlfriend that their dad had said about me in the end.  I knew they'd heard those things from their dad and were just repeating them.  Soon afterward their breakup became official and he was instantly with another woman. About a year ago something came up and my other son told me that his dad and that next girlfriend (whom he is still with) had an "open relationship". Back when their dad and I broke up I was so heart broken.  I knew divorce is awful for kids, I wanted better than that for my kids....I purposed in my heart to not talk bad about their dad because I didn't want them to be hurt any more. Their dad is super charming and it always seemed like he had fun times with the boys.  He had more money and could take them on fun & exciting vacations.  Sometimes it felt unfair.  But I tried to just run my race and do what I thought God wanted of me and trust Him.  Daniel saying that was validating for me.  I'm grateful that he recognized it.  It was one of those things where I'd never known if the boys would ever realize what I tried to do for them.

* He said he was grateful that I'd brought them up to see what Christianity was really about.
Isn't that what we always want our kids to say?!

* He expressed how much it meant to him, that he appreciated, what I did with World Vision.
It was a big deal to me and I wanted it to be an object lesson for my kids, so I'm grateful that it at least impressed Daniel. (I don't know what the others think of it or if they even remember). We were really blessed when I was single.  My kids needs were always met.  But we lived more frugally than most people.  I was working as an assistant administrator and working toward obtaining my administrator's license.  There's a huge difference between what an assistant administrator and what the administrator gets paid. We were always in church and I always gave and taught them about giving. But when I got my first job as an administrator I got the three of them together and told them how blessed were were and that I wanted to give out of our blessing.  Since there were three of them, we picked three world vision boys who were the same ages as my boys and began to sponsor them monthly.

* He told me that he always appreciated that I didn't favor any of them and treated them all as individuals.  I'd worked hard on that one and was grateful to hear that he felt that way!

I'm so grateful that Daniel told me these things.

So often as a parent you know your kids love you but you're not sure if they really get what you're trying to do or appreciate it.  What a blessing it is to hear that Daniel appreciated me.

I wanted to write it down as one of those things I can look back at and say look what God did.

Still trying to figure it out

Photo from Sociais & Metodos

So much has happened on the job front.

I met with my old boss and it was a healing encounter.  I actually got to hear those words that we all long for when someone has done us wrong, but rarely get to hear. She apologized and said she'd been wrong.  She even looked a bit misty eyed when she did it.  She talked about that RN who'd talked bad about me, and the other folks that had been part of that group of people.  When she'd worked with them more herself she realized that some of them were lazy and some of them were not emotionally stable or healthy.  Although that same nurse continued to work for the company, my old boss had come to realize that she had problems.  She said she was sorry that it had taken her so long to make it right with me. She talked about the potential job and offered me a large salary plus bonuses to come work with her again.  I left that meeting feeling like I'd finally had the closure that I'd always wanted with her.

Right after that a recruiter contacted me.  Recruiters contact administrators all the time (one of the many side effects of a high turnover job). I didn't initially think much about this one. When she told me the position and company for which she was recruiting, my attitude changed.  It was a company I'd longed to work  for because I greatly admire their clinical stance and commitment to people who have mental illness.  I told her I was super interested and she had that company's regional HR person call and talk with me.  The HR person and I totally hit it off. The HR person set up for me to phone interview with the regional director of operations and the VP of operations.  The phone call with them went well; I was thinking how great it was to talk with people with the same  passion, vision and values as my own.

At that point there were two jobs I was looking at - one where I'd worked before in west LA and one where I'd always longed to work in Long Beach.  Although the Long Beach job was close to a condo my husband owns, neither job was close to where I am currently working and living. I set up to go to both job sites on the same day so I'd just be taking one day off work.

I went to the old job in west LA first.  It was fun to see all the positive changes that have been made.  There were lots of sweet greetings and hugs from the staff who still worked there.  It was a positive experience.  My old boss offered me the job and I asked for 2 days to consider due to the location. I left there thinking how fun it would be to work there again.  The location didn't please me; LA traffic is the worst.  Last time I worked there I had to drive 1.5 hours each way to and from work daily in grueling traffic.  I didn't want to do that again (plus John would never want to buy a home in the type of neighborhood I previously lived in.  It was a bit ghetto). Housing anywhere within an hour drive of west LA is off the charts expensive. I pondered these things as I drove to the next location.

At the Long Beach job I first met in person with the regional HR and 2 operations folks. That went fine.  Then they had the on site clinical and nursing directors tour me around the campus.  I fell in love with the site and all it had to offer clients as well as these two men, they would be great to work with.  Then I went into a room with about 12 site leaders sitting at a table and interviewed.  Typically I hate that kind of thing since I'm basically a shy person.  This time it went great.  I felt at home with these people.  The next day the regional director of operations, the person who would be my boss if I got the job, called me.  She explained that the way they ran the 12 people interview, every person completes a private ballet about their thoughts on the candidate.  She told me that every single person I'd spoken with that day wanted to work with me. I felt great because I'd liked them too and wanted to work with them. She said that the next step was to fly me to their corporate offices to meet with the owner and the president of operations.  She explained that they had to sign off on any administrator hired by the company to manage one of their programs.  She said that the regional HR woman would contact me with potential dates for that interview.

I was torn about my old boss.  I had only asked for 2 days to let her know my decision. I didn't want to keep her hanging. If I did not take the job, she would only have 3 of the original 5 week notice the leaving administrator had given her to find a replacement.  I knew that almost every other administrator would just accept her job offer, and then if the other job came through, tell her that a better offer came up.  That felt wrong to me.  That would leave her in a bad spot.  I prayed about it and decided to just do what seemed to me to be the right thing.  I explained about the other offer and said that she should open up the search because I didn't want her to end up without an administrator.  I said that if the other company didn't come through, and she'd not found someone, that I would still be interested. She seemed angry.  She said something about yes, I did need to tell her, it was not like she just had another administrator in her back pocket.  She stonily asked me why I would want some other company compared to the one she worked for and I explained that it was about the location and the other job was close.  She seemed like she was forcing herself but she did say that she could understand that if a job was closer to a home I already had, in that same situation, she would take the closer job. She told me not to be a stranger and to stay in touch.

When I spoke with the regional HR person for the Long Beach job she said something a bit odd.  She said that the regional operations person would prep me for that interview and that the two people I would be interviewing with were "not like us".  At the time she said that I felt gratified that she already considered me part of her group context. When the woman who I hoped would become my boss and I spoke I asked her a question.  I asked if they had sent any other candidates for this position up to corporate offices.  She admitted that they had, but that those people had not had my experience with inpatient or running a building that had a union in it.

The flight to the corporate offices was only a couple of hours.  I had my first experience using a taxi to get myself to the interview.  The interview was not comfortable.  I didn't get any vibes like they loved me but these two women were the type that were not easy to read.  Two days later the regional HR called me and said that she was so sorry, she could not offer me the job.  I felt so sad. I'd really wanted that job and all the doors had seemed to be opening.

Exactly one week had passed since I'd contacted my old boss. I texted her.  She texted me back.  She'd already put a new plan into place. The program director at the site wanted to do an administrator-in-training gig so he could sit for the state and federal tests to obtain his license.  The administrator from another building within an hour of that one would hang her license there and preceptor him in the program.  He'd learn to be the administrator there and when he was all done he'd become their administrator.  I actually believe it is a good plan.  That man had worked there for 12 years and had a life long commitment to the location. He's young and has a wife and 2 small children.  This is good for him and the building.

Now I went within 2 weeks from a certainty that I would have one good job or another, to no new job. Wow

I'm perplexed.  I don't think I did anything wrong.  It feels like I have bad outcomes.  This is one of those times when I have to choose to believe the truth - that my life is in God's hands and obedience to Him is what matters most.  I trust God.  I know He has good plans for me.  I have no idea why this all happened but I can choose peace and happiness knowing that He is in control.