Connection

Do you ever find that your life goes along in themes?

That several things, over a period of days, will happen in your life and that several of these things point back to the same topic?

I do regularly.

The topics or themes always vary. But it definitely happens that way; that many events and experiences in my life are inter related and show me something (it's the events and somethings that vary but not the pattern).

Lately things keep pointing me toward connection with God.

Over the past few days the terrible attitude I've been fighting against in myself, my binges with food, a recent rejection, a book I'm reading (Woman of Influence, by Pam Farrel), a chance remark made by my 13-year old son while our family was playing a board game together, a bible study I just started at church and some negative encounters with my ex-husband - they've all pointed me toward my connection with God.

As I'm reading Woman of Influence, I came across these simple words by Farrel:

"God reveals himself as a personal being - not a force, not a philosophy, not even a religion. God's arms are always open, wanting to embrace me; the choice is mine whether to flee from or run to that embrace."

While these words may not be totally original never before heard thoughts, they are exactly the words I needed to read.

Intimacy is not an easy thing for me; not with people and not with God. It's not something I learned in my family of origin. My parents certainly did the best they could and they were good people; it's just that they didn't get everything they needed growing up so they didn't have any idea what was needed or how to give it. We're a distant family. A family that pretends that unpleasant problems don't exist.

I tend toward being that way too. I tend to say things to myself along the lines of suck it up and get going and do what needs to be done when hurtful events occur. But then later I find myself over eating, basically stuffing down uncomfortable emotions with food.

But one of the things I adore about life is that we can change.

Things don't have to stay the same.

Just this morning, as I realized anew that God loves me, because of Jesus does not condemn me and that He actually desires connection with me - I threw myself into His arms. I let myself cry and pour out my feelings about that recent rejection, I vented my frustration with my ex-husband's recent behavior, I lamented my disappointment with myself for binging on food yet again; I received His comfort, love, assurance and hope.