Gratitude Changed Me

All week over at Kingdom Bloggers we're talking about Gratitude. Today I'm posting about how Gratitude changed me.

What about you, what's your experience been with gratitude?

The Tyranny of Self

This morning these words from 1 Peter 4:1 (MSG) grabbed my attention:

Since Jesus went through everything you’re going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you’ll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

To be candid, I’ve lived a life filled with the tyranny of self; and have a whole legacy of addictions and unhealthy relationships to show for it. However, in these last few years I’ve seen some changes in my life - I’ve simply come to the point where I see that my ways weren’t getting me where I really want to go, that God’s ways are best.


Yet, still….those of you who read my words here very often are aware of how I’ve struggled over the past couple of years with my job & career, and with my teen sons. In these two realms of my life I’ve kind of figured that since my desires are basically good and right desires, that of course it’s reasonable to seek earnestly after what I want to see happen in these areas.

I’m not saying that this verse means that it’s wrong to seek after these things, yet when I look at this verse I’m confronted with an entirely different perspective.

As I read these words from 1 Peter 4:1 it’s like my world gets turned upside down and looked at from the backside. In this world-from-the-backside, expecting to get my way is something to avoid; where as in my front-view-world the whole approach is to strategize how to achieve my way. In this world-from-the-backside, expecting to get one’s way is for babies, something to be weaned from. The weaning process is the experience of NOT getting what I want, and learning to be content in Jesus during the midst of these painful experiences.

Wow. So simple. But not at all easy.

I’d really be interested in your thoughts on this; how do you surrender your will? What does it look like in your life to be free from expecting to get your own way?

Character that you can count on

Last night I read the following words of Joanna Weaver’s in Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World:

“God’s ways are not our ways, but His character is still dependable.”

Those words have been echoing about in my head since I read them.

As I shared here recently, I’ve been struggling with my whole work situation. I’ve been frustrated because, although I really like the people who we serve and the people with whom I work, I want to do more. I also want to make more money. Yet I continue to experience rejection as I apply for one job after another. A part of me knows that God knows best, but another part of me struggles because I want things to be different.

Even though I can not see how things will turn out, I am grateful that I know that God loves me and has good plans for my life (Romans 8:27-29, Jeremiah 29:11, 1 Peter 1:2). I’m grateful that even in the midst of uncomfortable circumstances that I do not understand, I have a glimpse of God. That bit of Him that I know, convinces me of His trustworthiness.

I am grateful that He actually wants me to get to know Him better. I’m convinced that as I come to know God better, that I will find trust easier.

What about you, have you had any experiences lately where God has shown Himself dependable in your life? Are there any scriptures that you cling to because they assure you of God’s heart and faithfulness?

Ever think about where mentally ill people live?

I'm not referring to your annoying relatives here.

I'm talking about individuals who have various incapacitating mental illnesses such as various forms of schizophrenia. In California at least, housing is a real problem.

If you've read this blog for long you know that I periodically write about issues involving mentally ill people. I guess that's because I figure few people really have much contact with them, think about them, or consciously care. I care because I have history with mentally ill people; I have a sister who is a paranoid schizophrenic and I ran secured psychiatric facilities for nine years. Somehow I hope that raising awareness will sensitize people to the plight of people who suffer from mental illness. I hope that increased sensitivity will translate into praying for them, looking for ways to give financially, maybe volunteering, and how you vote on various issues.

My experience is all in California so I can only speak to the issue of housing options for the mentally ill here. Basically a mentally ill person is looking at the state hospital, acute care, nursing homes, Board and Cares, personal homes, living with family members or friends, or life on the street.

The state hospital is the place where mentally ill individuals who can not live safely out in the comminity reside. Periodically the state tries to give these folks a chance to make it in less restrictive settings such as nursing homes, from where, if they are successful, the could move on to a Board and Care. This is the highest level of care possible; and the most expensive.

Acute care is reserved for those individuals who are an imminent danger to themselves or others. A person can be locked away in the psychiatric ward of a hospital on what is referred to as a "5150" if that person is, at the moment the law enforcement people encounter him, verified to be a danger to himself and/or others. This criteria is very strict and law enforcement are slow to utilize it because they want to respect people's freedom. If an individual is 5150'd to the acute hospital she can stay for 72 hours against her will for observation. If she is deemed safe, she may be released at that time. She also could be placed on temporary conservatorship; in which case, if the hospital staff and conservator think it is medically justifiable, she may stay in the acute hospital for longer. Theoretically an individual could keep themselves in the acute for longer but basically that does not happen. Acute hospitals typically do not keep patients for more than 10 days tops simply because no payor source wants to put out the money.

Nursing homes are California's solution to the chronically mentally who do not absolutely have to remain in the expensive acute care hospital but still need ongoing care. These are people who, at the end of their acute hospital stay, are still not deemed to really be safe on an ongoing basis to themselves or others. Typically the goal is to put them into the psychiatric nursing home to allow them the time to become more stabilized on their medication and perhaps even benefit from the program the nursing home offers. Most of these facilities are secured and the program they offer relies heavily on the concept of a healthy, environment (referred to as therapeutic mileau), having fun activities and some groups in which the patients can participate. The interesting thing is that many of these patients have been in and out of these facilities for so many years that they know as much, if not more, about the group topics than the staff who facilitate these groups.

Board and Cares are homes or apartment type dwellings where the individuals can live and receive encouragement daily to take their medication as well as have meals provided. Some board and cares are funded to have what is referred to as an agumented program where they may have activities and groups that the individuals who live there can participate in. There are a limited number of these places that are pleasant; many are in the worst parts of town and not the kind of place we would want to live. Mentally ill people who are living in this kind of setting have a bonafide mental illness and are receiving Social Security disability money monthy. All but just a very small amount of this money goes to the Board and Care for the cost of their living there. Board and Cares have much more freedom than state hospitals, acute hospitals or nursing homes, but not nearly as much as a person would have living on their own.

Very few people who are mentally ill and do not take their medication or have symptoms that are treatment resistant are able to stay in their own place. They mess up their money, or they irritate and cause problems with the people living around them, or they participate in a myriad of activities that land them up back in the acute hospital.

Living with families or friends rarely works out. If an individual is not taking their medication, or their symptoms are not able to be managed by any medication the physician's have yet identified, they are incredibly difficult to live with. Sometimes they do things which put other members of the household in danger.

Many of California's mentally ill individuals live on the street. If you go to Santa Monica, San Franciso, or to the down town section of any large urban area, you'll see them on the street. Sometimes they pan handle. I try to never turn down anyone's request for help; rather than money I'll give them food directly. Sometimes I keep stuff in my car trunk, or fast food coupons in my purse, or will just get them food from someplace close by like a fast food place or mini market. I always want to do more, but what can you do?

Ever think about the mentally ill?

If you are an average American, your answer to this question is - not very often.

I think about mental illness, and the people affected by it, rather frequently.

Partly because I ran secured psychiatric facilities for 9 years. Partly because I have a sister who is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Since this is a subject so near and dear to my heart, I'd like to do two things: Share some about mental illness and ask you for something.

Did you know that in 1991 the National Institute for Mental Health estimated that 2 - 4 million individuals in the United States are severely mentally ill? This sounds like such a divergent number but it's difficult to gather this type of data; my only reason for citing this number at all is to demonstrate that mental illness affects a lot of people.

If I could tell people any one thing about mental illness is that's individuals with mental illness suffer.

They suffer the symptoms of their illness, the estrangement and disenfranchisement of society and the consequences of their frequent poor choices. Medications, although they are significantly better than they were in the past, still have lots of uncomfortable side effects. The one group of side effects that many people have told me about is that their mind feels less sharp, it's difficult to concentrate, they feel drained of energy, don't feel like their real self, and their passion is gone. But it's a catch 22; without the medication they have all kinds of non reality based beliefs that their acting upon causes many troubles in their lives, and with medication they feel lethargic, dull and not themselves. Would you like to have to make that choice?

Just as with anyone else, all mentally ill individuals are not alike. But my experience has been that there exist some really common behaviors you will find for many individuals who either will not take medication or whose symptoms appear to be treatment resistant. Many of these individuals are up much of the night, talk on and on about negative things, have ritualistic behaviors (things like incessant washing of body parts/clothing/surfaces, or spraying everything with disinfectant, or needing to always walk in an incredibly specific pattern) that make it difficult for those around them. Sometimes they misconstrue people that they encounter out in public places, and so they respond according to their misperceptions in a loud, inappropriate manner. Due to their pervasive thoughts they miss social cues and often act in a manner that those around them find uncomfortable. On some level these individuals are typically aware of all this, yet don't seem able to control themselves totally.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) estimates that around 1/3 of the homeless population is mentally ill.

Ok so I've told you some information about mental illness. Now I'd like to ask you for something.

The next time you see a person who is acting way over the top not normal, think about this information. Remember that, although this person may be making your or someone else's life very difficult, the truth is that their own life is way more difficult.

So, go ahead and go out of your way to be as nice as possible to them.

There are some things you just can’t fix

Sometimes you’ll see the words “My crazy Life!” but you never really know crazy until you’ve entered the world of a schizophrenic.

Because I’ve worked for years as an administrator of psych facilities, and because I have a paranoid schizophrenic sister, I notice people who are schizophrenic. I don’t just assume they are homeless bums or difficult people in the video store; I see what’s really going on.

Just the other day I was in a small neighborhood video store and a lady and her boyfriend came in. As the lady started getting upset at her boyfriend and the store clerk she became loud and abrasive. When the lady left the clerk heaved a sigh of relief; boy had that lady been a real b_ _ _ _! Since I sort of know the clerk from prior visits I talked with her and explained that the lady was schizophrenic and was not really in control.

Mental illness really is just that – an illness. People can not help that they have this disease and they truly suffer from it. Even now days with the oh so much better anti psychotic medications, the drugs still have lots of side affects and many choose not to take them. The problem with refusing to take medication is that it leaves these people with delusional thinking. Their delusions torment their lives and make them extremely difficult at times to be around. Frequently they also hear voices in their heads. Interestingly enough, I’ve never met someone with positive voices in their heads or positive delusions that enhance their lives.

I could be one of those, what my 13 & 14 year old sons call “emo people”. I could tend toward being a depressed kind of person. I “work” if you will, really hard to avoid that. I seek to think on the good things in life, enjoy those things that bring me pleasure, and to constantly be thankful to God for all the ways He’s blessed me. I consciously seek out seeing the hand of God in my life each day and all the blessings that are mine. I am a grateful person who enjoys life.

But life is not this tidy box that I sometimes try to make it. Not everything has a clear cut answer or is fix-able.

Schizophrenia is one of those things I can not fix. My heart aches for my sister. She is someone who chooses not to take medication and in fact, due to her paranoia, she thinks it’s all of “us” who cause the problems. She receives a small disability check each month that she’s certain is because she has some “physical problems and can’t work”. Sometimes I won’t know her where-abouts for weeks on end and then, when I do, I’ll wish I didn’t. My mom has no boundaries and doesn’t handle the situation appropriately/effectively – yet how do you handle such a situation “appropriately”?! I feel guilty to admit this (so I’m doing it on the world wide web – go figure) but I’ve kind of removed myself from my family in general for a lot of reasons (it’s way beyond the typical dysfunctional family; on a scale of 1 – 10 for dysfunctionality my family would score 11!). I call my mom once or twice a week to visit and make sure she’s OK. At least once every other month I go visit at her house with whomever is there and enjoy them in that exact moment. But I work real hard to not get sucked into all their stuff because I can never make it better and it always makes me anxious/angry/frustrated/sad.

Over on the left side here I've got the verses from Lamentations 3:20-30 printed. This is the thought process that I cling to in a world that I can't always understand.