Choosing Pleasure

I've always adored the way the green pine needles look against the clear blue of the sky.  Today I got the bonus of small white clouds behind.  How could I feel anything but grateful to be out hiking in this beauty right behind my house?  A cool breeze drifts lazily by, lifting my loose blouse and caressing my skin with its fingers made all the more cold by the patches of snow still tenaciously clinging to the ground.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I'm still a bit confused by the events of yesterday morning.  But I am grateful.  Grateful that I know God is good and my future is in His hands.

Yesterday morning.  Just thinking about it feels unreal and painful at the same time.  I got blind sided. 

I was notified by someone that I had a 9AM in the west side conference room with an OPR (office of professional responsibility) investigator with the company.  Nothing unusual in itself.  Unfortunately, having staff walked off the premise is not an unusual occurrence at this work location.  As I walked the short block to the meeting my mind was still filled with the data I'd come in at 6:30AM to compile and analyze.  I've always found that I'm far less disturbed during those pre-8AM hours and can actually think at work.

It felt odd and stilted from the moment I walked into the conference room.  The attractive young sergeant, with her clear dark skin and eyes, was asked by the investigator to move aside so that I could sit next to him.  As I slid into the soft leather seat I got that odd feeling that something was amiss.  As the investigator began to question me I could not understand where the line of questioning was either going to, or coming from.  When my former boss walked into the room just a few moments into the questioning it felt even weirder. 

Because I was caught unaware, my mind had difficulty processing the words.  Even more difficulty comprehending.  He was taking things out of context, drawing conclusions that were not accurate.  I was tongue tied (I've never been particularly eloquent of speech in the best of times and this certainly was not that).  He was saying things....were those threats couched in a nice manner?  Saying that it could get ugly for me, that nothing good was ahead, and hinting at legal suits aimed against me.  I didn't understand.  I had done nothing wrong.

I was aware that the customer was embroiled in a lawsuit.  Was my company trying to appease the customer by laying the blame for things gone wrong at my feet?  Were they trying to say that I was the problem and they got rid of me so now no problems?   I couldn't tell.

Or at least I couldn't tell until the investigator slid a tablet of paper toward me.  This action had been prompted by my response to his question of what I was going to do.  I'd asked if I should quit.  Guess that was my answer.

So I wrote the letter.  My former boss walked me out with a guilty look on his face.  As we walked the short block together back to my office in the other building he seemed way more uncomfortable than I.  I was still in shock.  At one point he mumbled something about how he and the company medical director realize that the company does a terrible job at start ups.  Into my silence he related how he'd been thrown into things at this company starting a facility an hour drive north of us.  At my continued silence he hastened to say that this did not excuse that he threw me into this situation without any training or understanding.   I just couldn't deal with his guilt and my feeling of disconnection so I continued to walk in silence.

It still felt unreal as I drove home.  Maybe it still does a bit today, but it's starting to sink in.  I've been putting applications and feelers out for another job all along, so I'll continue. 

For today,  I'm choosing to enjoy the day.