Venting

I need to let it out.

I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Since no one really reads this any way I can talk freely here. Plus it feels as if I'm telling someone. As if someone actually cares.

I feel SO ANGRY. I'm not even sure why.

It's like I'm running and running and trying and trying but I just keep failing. I'm such a failure. I try so hard but it's never good enough.

My middle son is always telling me how I don't measure up. How I mess up. How I don't do things right, our house isn't nice enough. I'm too mean and expect too much of him, I don't give him enough. I'm not cool like the other parents.

My husband is way too good a man to complain but I know I'm not a very good wife. I get so irritated with him. Instead of making the best of situations and over looking problems or faults I just have to open my big mouth and say something; point out what he's done wrong. What's wrong with me anyhow?

I try so hard at work but feel like very very few people notice. Maybe my business office manager and director of nursing services. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's not about me. It's about taking care of the patients and taking care of the staff. I'm an administrator; I should know deep in my soul that people may frequently resent me and not feel like I'm doing a good enough job and I have to be ok with that. It's not about anything but doing the right thing.

But I don't feel that way. I feel angry. I feel like I try to do so much for the staff to make this a better place but they still complain and complain. I feel like I was set up because I took over from the biggest micro-manager known to mankind so there's no systems in place. Plus, the truth is that even he couldn't do everything so by the time I got there lots of things were out of wack.

But he's a good talker and did everything; so many of my directors are struggling because they feel like I'm asking so much of them. They are really uncomfortable with all this thinking and caring that I'm expecting from them. They want his simple way of everything being black and white and him always being there to tell them exactly what to do.

In my heart I know I'm right; that they can really become outstanding if they'll just work with me. If they'll open up their hearts and let me speak truth, if they'll trust me.

But 2 have left already and another's throwing fits lately because I'm not doing things his way. And I'm honest about it - I'm not telling him I'm right and he's wrong and that I know everything. I'm telling him the good I see in his way but why I believe in what I'm doing and that I have to do what I believe is right when the day is done - and he's not happy. So not happy that he called my boss and complained. I've never in my entire career had someone call my boss and complain about me.

I'm a good person and I take care of my people; and he doesn't care. Today at one point he said he wished he hadn't called but that he felt bad so he had to do what worked for him; but that it didn't make him feel any better but that still he owed it to himself. What's all this about owing it to ourselves. We're a team and we're in this together.

OK so I'm an imperfect person with imperfect kids and an imperfect husband and I work with more imperfect people.

So what's my problem? This is life! Why am I such a baby here crying!