Soul Fragility

Soul fragility. I heard this term used by pastor and author Rich Villodas. This concept has sparked something inside me…I recognize my own soul as fragile and brittle. On the outside I act like I’m okay when criticism comes my way, but on the inside I’m way too frequently devastated.  I save those critical words and ponder over them as I lick my wounds in private. Or, conversely, I put up walls and don’t listen and write criticism off as worthless. But why does criticism have such a strong effect? Why is my ego so invested?

I’m thinking about some scripture passages in the way that Peterson paraphrases them in The Message:

Matthew 16:24-26 - Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of a deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Matthew 5:5 - You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are - no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourself proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

You know when my husband John and I are are most likely to get into an argument? When on a long road trip. Neither of us want the other to drive. I struggle with the way he drives as well as just letting go of being in control.

There are are a couple of phrases from authors whom I admire that I’ve been thinking on:

Dallas Willard: I’m practicing the discipline of not have to have the last word.

Nathan Foster: Mini deaths to self

Oh Father, help me draw in silence and practice living in it more. Holy Spirit within me, please help me quiet my soul. Put a guard on my lips oh Lord; that I would refrain from giving in to that compulsion to have the last word. Father, there’s plenty of life that is not exactly as I would want it; rather than always fighting against those circumstances, and sometimes people, that I can’t change, please help me to truly welcome theses small daily opportunities to die to myself.