A journey into learning about what being white really means

Most likely because of everything going on in the world around me with the George Floyd tragedy and rioting, I find my heart reaching out to want....change. 

But this is a different kind of longing then I've known in the past.  This time it's not about starting with doing. There's a feeling deep in my inner being that feels like I need to change, but that before I can change, I need to see who I am, where I am at.  Perhaps I also need to learn how people who are different then me see people who are like me.

I want to better understand how people who aren't white feel. 

With this in mind I ordered 2 books to help me, both of which I found were on back order so it will be awhile before I get them.  However, one of them I was also able to purchase on Audible so I've been listening to it.  It's entitled White Awake by Daniel Hill.

The secondary title line on Hill's book is "an honest look at what it means to be white".

I think this is where my journey needs to start - with seeing what it means to be white.

I honestly have never really thought about that.  But I want to journey into understanding what white culture is.  I think because numerically there are more white people in America, it is the dominant culture.  Because it's the dominant culture it is unrecognized.

One of the things that I think has positioned me to be ready to embark upon this journey is a situation with my youngest son Daniel that's been going on for a few years.  He has some beliefs that don't make sense to me and he's almost ostracized me. Because he is my son and my love for him is great, I've been willing to do what it takes to keep the relationship.  One of the truths I came to as I've been on that journey with Daniel was that I needed to become a safe person for Daniel to share how he felt.  To not come to Daniel with an attitude of needing to defend myself, but to come with him a sincere desire to want to hear his perception, his pain, his experience.  Now Daniel and I aren't anywhere near where I long to be yet.  He has a list of things I am not allowed to talk with him about: my spiritual beliefs, politics, anything he thinks could be advice (and trust me on this, there's a lot of things that I can't fathom how he perceived them to be advice giving).  But one of the things I've learned, and am constantly seeking to grow at doing, is this idea of really hearing another person.  To understand that the other person's experiences and "reality" may not match mine and to set my "reality" aside for a moment to hear the other person's.  I guess it's a simple as the old adage about stepping into another person's shoes.

So I am coming to this whole issue of race with a desire to step back, look at myself and my own white culture, and hear how people who aren't white perceive white culture.

Right now I don't want to do anything other than as accurately as possible really see and hear.

Heavenly Father, I open up my heart to You.  Please open my eyes and heart so I can see and hear.  Please lead me where I am to go.  I affirm my trust in You.  I thank You that You are trustworthy.  Oh Father I ask forgiveness for my former complacency and apathy.  I'm sorry for my shallow concern for the struggles of my brothers and sisters of color. Thank You for Your patience with my slowness.  Father, You're the only one who can bring about change.  Show me what I need to do, and Father please change what needs to be changed in me.  Oh Holy Spirit empower me to cooperate with the process of the upcoming days.....