I'm a bit confused right now.
I started a new job in August that I thought was what God had for me. Now I'm beginning to wonder....
We opened up on August 29 and since then my life has been working 12-16hr days 6 days a week, being on the phone with work frequently when I'm not there, being awakened during the night due to work calls, learning by constantly messing up (verses being trained), stress, constantly hearing from the warden how I've messed up. Add to that that we had 2 physicians who were over the top horrible (one was a princess who lasted 4 days and was very mean to the staff and the other was an unmedicated Bi-Polar who yelled and talked incessantly - honestly, I'm not making this stuff up!) that did not work out; so I've been without for much of this time. A nurse practitioner who loves God and is really skilled but who has missed 1/3 of the work days due to various reasons. Also we've been down an RN for 2 weeks. Maybe I'm dramatic but I feel like the children of Israel when Pharaoh had them continue to make bricks but did not give them the needed materials (Exodus 5:6-9). Also, I am willing to work really hard but I HATE when I can not do things well. I desire excellence; and right now I can not say that anything in my department is totally together. Even though it's not all my fault because I was not given what I need, I'm still here and it's me who's going to have to make it right.
On the other hand I've got some incredible, hard working, gifted, smart, likeable, and dedicated people working for me. I find my heart very attached to them; part of it is because we're going through so much together. We all love what we do and we're getting better every day. It's just that we were all thrown in here and told to do it from the ground up and we've been figuring out what it is and how to do it (such a ridiculous way for a large company to do things!) So I'm tired, and often feel like I could perform better if I could get some real rest.
I'm just sustaining in the rest of life so I know I've been a total wash out where a lot of things are concerned such as my husband, youngest son still at home, niece who came to live with us, Kingdom Bloggers, Women's ministry with our church, etc. I have been able to continue to have the very small group Bible study that meets at my home twice a month and it was like a steam of goodness washing over me this past week! The Word is good and I take time for God each morning....yet I feel guilty for struggling so.
I'm just kind of trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong here and I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or if this is just a difficult time. Or am I where I'm supposed to be but I'm stupid or something? Am I doing something all wrong and not seeing it and that's what the problem is? Am I perhaps defective? I'm so physically tired that it makes it difficult to know for sure. I feel like this job is my responsibility so, until I know differently, I must do it to the best that I possibly can. I just can't tell if God is just using this to grow me and make me better, or if I really missed it and shouldn't be here at all.
Have you ever gone through a time in your life where it seemed like nothing was working right no matter how hard you tried? What helped you during that time?
Mark 8:34–38: You Can’t Buy a Soul Out of Hell
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