In John 10:10 Jesus promises His followers abundant life. This blog is about my life as His follower.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Confused and Tired

I'm a bit confused right now.

I started a new job in August that I thought was what God had for me. Now I'm beginning to wonder....

We opened up on August 29 and since then my life has been working 12-16hr days 6 days a week, being on the phone with work frequently when I'm not there, being awakened during the night due to work calls, learning by constantly messing up (verses being trained), stress, constantly hearing from the warden how I've messed up. Add to that that we had 2 physicians who were over the top horrible (one was a princess who lasted 4 days and was very mean to the staff and the other was an unmedicated Bi-Polar who yelled and talked incessantly - honestly, I'm not making this stuff up!) that did not work out; so I've been without for much of this time. A nurse practitioner who loves God and is really skilled but who has missed 1/3 of the work days due to various reasons. Also we've been down an RN for 2 weeks. Maybe I'm dramatic but I feel like the children of Israel when Pharaoh had them continue to make bricks but did not give them the needed materials (Exodus 5:6-9). Also, I am willing to work really hard but I HATE when I can not do things well. I desire excellence; and right now I can not say that anything in my department is totally together. Even though it's not all my fault because I was not given what I need, I'm still here and it's me who's going to have to make it right.

On the other hand I've got some incredible, hard working, gifted, smart, likeable, and dedicated people working for me. I find my heart very attached to them; part of it is because we're going through so much together. We all love what we do and we're getting better every day. It's just that we were all thrown in here and told to do it from the ground up and we've been figuring out what it is and how to do it (such a ridiculous way for a large company to do things!) So I'm tired, and often feel like I could perform better if I could get some real rest.

I'm just sustaining in the rest of life so I know I've been a total wash out where a lot of things are concerned such as my husband, youngest son still at home, niece who came to live with us, Kingdom Bloggers, Women's ministry with our church, etc. I have been able to continue to have the very small group Bible study that meets at my home twice a month and it was like a steam of goodness washing over me this past week! The Word is good and I take time for God each morning....yet I feel guilty for struggling so.

I'm just kind of trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong here and I'm not where I'm supposed to be, or if this is just a difficult time. Or am I where I'm supposed to be but I'm stupid or something? Am I doing something all wrong and not seeing it and that's what the problem is? Am I perhaps defective? I'm so physically tired that it makes it difficult to know for sure. I feel like this job is my responsibility so, until I know differently, I must do it to the best that I possibly can. I just can't tell if God is just using this to grow me and make me better, or if I really missed it and shouldn't be here at all.

Have you ever gone through a time in your life where it seemed like nothing was working right no matter how hard you tried? What helped you during that time?


RCUBEs said...

When I was new at the Correctional Setting, the first 3 months were the most awful time, thinking that I wasn't meant to be there also. But it was through those months that I had learned to adapt to the changes and through that difficult process, there was no other way to learn those new skills for me.

Through trial and error, I pray that you will discover the strength that will come from it and your undiscovered abilities will surface that you never know you have. Praying His strength will always be yours in this challenging area in your life. God bless you sister Tracy!

Mike said...

What helped? Prayer, good friends, and a dear friend who reminded me og God's faithfulness and of my need to be faithful to Him. That's all. So sorry.

B M said...

Praying for your strength and peace dear Tracy.
Trials strengthen us in the long run, but I think we can only appreciate it after.

I hope you are able overcome the difficulties.

Sandra Cobb (Seeking Spirit on BTR) said...

It seems that anything having to do with health these days is in chaos. I know someone else going through similar conditions. I told her to hang on 6 months at least, and then see how things look. Sometimes it takes time to adjust, or to MAKE adjustments where you work, and let's face it, they NEED you.

John Cowart said...

Hi Tracy,

"Have you ever gone through a time in your life where it seemed like nothing was working right no matter how hard you tried? What helped you during that time?"


For Heaven's sake, and your own, pamper yourself a little. Eat a bonbon (not a boxful). Soak in bubbles. Pet a kitten. The job is not life; it will go on when we're all dead and gone.

Yes, you need to put out fires, but some you just have to let burn a while longer.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to others who are heavily laden.

John Cowart

Tony C said...

Remember this- God has you where He wants you, when He wants you. All you have to do is be obedient and listen.

Oh...and talk to Him of course!

Hang in there. Mountain tops and valleys...mountains tops and valleys...

Tracy said...

Thanks you guys, adore reading what you have to say......

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